Johnny Knoxville:
Rectal bleeding... another first for Jackass.
Chris Pontius:
I can't believe I'm fishing with Steve-o as my bait!
Johnny Knoxville:
It's gonna hurt a lot, but it's just loud.
April Margera:
Why would you burn him in the first place, Dunn?
Ryan Dunn:
'Cause it was funny...
Chris Pontius:
I'm so glad I'm not the star of this movie.
Johnny Knoxville:
If your asshole can't see the camera, the camera can't see your asshole
Johnny Knoxville:
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm going to the moon!
[
first lines]
Johnny Knoxville:
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass!"
Bam Margera:
Please God, don't let there be a "Jackass 3".
Dave England:
Oh God! Oh... Oh... Oh God!... my ass hurts so fucking bad!
Chris Pontius:
[
after drinking horse semen] I'm ashamed of myself. I really am. I'm completely ashamed of myself.
Chris Pontius:
[
after drinking the horse semen] I'm completely ashamed of myself.
Ryan Dunn:
[
after Johnny Knoxville falls head first off the penny farthing bicycle] You didn't land it.
Bam Margera:
Ape, I got a muffed-up ass butt!
April Margera:
I know, and you had the cutest butt ever and now you ruined it!
Bam Margera:
No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.
Wee Man:
There's a machine in here! Where's the fucking card throwing machine?
Johnny Knoxville:
[
Johnny Knoxville hands his fake grandson a flask] Don't hog it all you little prick...
Steve-O:
All right cast me out, goddammit!
[
Bam has just been branded with a penis-shaped branding iron]
Bam Margera:
You gave me a hologram dick! There's three solid dicks, there's one half-assed one right here, and then you gave me a set of balls.
Johnny Knoxville:
But a sweet set of balls!
Bam Margera:
Rad... I'd rather rip my dick off and throw it in the river than to do that again. Goddamn!
Johnny Knoxville:
[
while Bam is in trailor with Cobra] You crying?
Bam Margera:
Yeah.
Ehren McGhehey:
[
while in the trunk of a taxi cab] Get me out of here!
Steve-O:
[
chuckling] You just pleasured a horse.
Ryan Dunn:
Ooh my hip! I think I just gave birth!
Johnny Knoxville:
Ok, who brought crabs to the party? Ha ha. One of the guys had crabs!
Ehren McGhehey:
Where I'm going, I don't need luggage
Jay Chandrasekhar:
C'mon!
Chris Pontius:
[
after Matt Hoffman attempts to jump the English Channal on his bike] He didnt even make it to Germany!
Johnny Knoxville:
That long hair don't cover up your red neck.
Steve-O:
Dude, Wee Man, I would never use a card throwing machine on you!
Johnny Knoxville:
[
after taking a fall] My head stopped my body from getting really hurt on that.
Wee Man:
What are thinking about, Preston?
Preston Lacy:
I wish all of that water was gravy and all those cars were giant biscuits.
Wee Man:
[
laughing] Are you hungry?
Preston Lacy:
I was just saying...
Wee Man:
Oh, all right!
Chris Pontius:
Water-based lubricants, friend or foe? You be the judge.
Johnny Knoxville:
[
after getting shot by riot explosive] Is this ok?
[
points to face]
Johnny Knoxville:
Then we're good.
Ryan Dunn:
[
Johnny Knoxville is about to be launched with the rocket] This isn’t the best idea.
Bam Margera:
Yes it is...
Dimitry Elyashkevich:
[
Johnny Knoxville is ready to be launced on the rocket] 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!
Bam Margera:
Later!
[
Presses the launch button]
Chris Pontius:
Hey Ehren, maybe after this movie you'll finally lose your virginity.
Chris Pontius:
[
after completing Medicine Ball Dodgeball] That was fun. Let's never do that again.
Bam Margera:
Here we are at some random-ass ranch and this is the Brand. And it's gonna suck!
April Margera:
[
after seeing the brand on Bam's ass] You're going to have that for life!
Bam Margera:
No shit!
Bam Margera:
[
before the Riot Control skit] If Knoxville goes in there, I'll French kiss him.
Steve-O:
I just had a leech chomp my eyeball. YES!
Johnny Knoxville:
[
while gagging after Pontius drinks the horse semen] I never puke ever, and I really almost puked then.
Phil Margera:
[
after seeing Bam's brand] He should have made it bigger and more realistic, that puny thing's embarrassing!
Ryan Dunn:
[
after the riot control test] Son of a... Fuck you!
Bam Margera:
[
after getting shot by riot explosive] I'm crying. I'm a fucking skateboarder and I'm getting shot.
Ryan Dunn:
[
Riding Oldskool BMX] Why would anybody ride this shit? What's the reasoning? Why can't they just make two of the same size wheel?
Wee Man:
What? I can't hear... kinda.
Steve-O:
I'm Steve-O, and sorry Dad, but no one's gonna miss this for the world. This is the Butt Chug.
Steve-O:
[
about to be buried up to his neck in a pile of manure] I'm Steve-O and this is some shit.
[
screams]
Steve-O:
I'm Steve-O and this is some shit!
Bam Margera:
[
after the Yak Charge] That couldn't have gone any better. I didn't know Knoxville could do back flips.
Chris Pontius:
[
after Wee Man and Preston go bungee jumping off the bridge] That was intense, really intense. Well, not really intense, but pretty intense.
Dave England:
[
after going downhill in the Big Tire Race] Oh I hate that, I hate it so bad! Fuckin' sucky!
Ryan Dunn:
Why do you hate it?
Dave England:
The bouncing on my fuckin' head!
Dave England:
[
gets knocked out by a large airbag] Ah... fuckin' shit... what was that shit? It's fuckin' in my eyes...
Johnny Knoxville:
Oh! Oooo!
Dave England:
Uh... what the fuck was that?
Johnny Knoxville:
Oh my...
Dave England:
I fuckin' don't understand... what the fuck did you do to me? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
Johnny Knoxville:
Uh... are you...
Dave England:
You're fuckin' me up man!
Johnny Knoxville:
Let's go inside man!
Dave England:
Oh FUCK DUDE... I... that was fuckin' CRAZY!
Dave England:
[
while chewing on horse shit] It's so dry!
Dimitry Elyashkevich:
[
terrible Middle East accent] Father, hello, Father.
Ehren McGhehey:
[
outraged] You shut up, I told you to come here earlier!
Dimitry Elyashkevich:
I am sorry, Father.
Ehren McGhehey:
[
terrible Middle East accent] You are late, you cannot be accepted.
Dimitry Elyashkevich:
I have disgraced you.
Ehren McGhehey:
Where have you been, you little bastard?
Dimitry Elyashkevich:
[
apologetically] I have been making a number two.
Ehren McGhehey:
Oh.
Johnny Knoxville:
Doc, can you help us?
Indian Doctor:
Uh, yeah, why not?
Indian Doctor:
I do not recommend putting leeches on testicles.
Jordan Houston:
Swallow, swallow it nigga!
Chris Pontius:
[
dressed in a devil costume] Keep God outta California! Whoo! Let Charlie Daniels write a song about this! God is *out*! He can have the other 48…or 49…whatever...
Steve-O:
[
to Dave England who has an upset stomach] Last time you shit in a damn van and now you get to shit in a limo!
Manny Puig:
The anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It feeds on large animals and can kill grown men within minutes. Wee-Man, probably in seconds.
Johnny Knoxville:
Why would you say that right before we film?
Wee Man:
[
Getting shocked by an electric stool] Ah! Arrrgghh!
[
Jumps of off the stool]
Wee Man:
No, I don't fucking like that dude, I don't fucking like that dude. That fucking hurts, dude.
Chris Pontius:
[
after sticking a fish hook through Steve-O's mouth] Oh, man. That hurt to do that to you.
Bam Margera:
So the guys think they're coming here for a photo shoot, but little do they know we've got a shitload of bees we're gonna put through the sunroof and we've rigged the locks so they can't get out.
Johnny Knoxville:
And when they do get out, we got some marbles waiting for them.
Bam Margera:
This is the Beehive Limo.
Wee Man:
[
after getting zapped by the electric stool several times, thinking it is cards] Alright, you fuckers, the jig is up! Where's the fucking card throwing machine?
[
Other guys laugh, finally one of them tells Wee Man]
Wee Man:
OH, THE FUCKING CHAIR IS RIGGED!
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