Host:
Dee-Dee-Dee!
Host:
If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.
Host:
[
after watching a clip about shark attacks] That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!
Announcer:
The vaguvinator! Vaguvinate your vagina and make him think it's your first time, every time!
Host:
Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.
Stacy:
Okay.
[
phone rings]
Stacy:
Carlos, seriously, it's the president of the United States.
Host:
S-send him through.
George Bush:
Carlos, it's president George W. Bush. Ya got a minute?
Host:
Yea, Yeah, what's up?
George Bush:
Well, I just want to say that uh, Laura and I really love your show.
[
Heh heh heh]
Host:
God... I'm honored, sir.
George Bush:
Well, I appreciate that, but I do have an official request for ya, CM.
Host:
What would that be?
George Bush:
Well, Carlos, I've always tried to be a uniter, not a divider. Unfortunately, I feel your racialistically charged material is pulling this country apart. So as a favor to me, and America, could you please stop tellin' those ethnical jokes? Ya know, I'd appreciate that.
Host:
Sir, I love this country more than anything in the world, and I respect what you've done so much... but, the one thing I truly love about this country is freedom of speech. So... You can go fuck yourself, you redneck cracker!
Host:
We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?
Host:
When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.
Host:
If your gonna drop out of school / tough grades are not your goal / then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.
[
Carlos Mencia is sitting on a bench at a park. Right next to him is a heavy-set person wearing jeans and a plaid shirt, drinking from a water fountain. Mencia notices a set of keys lying on the ground next to the person]
Host:
Hey, bro. You dropped your keys.
[
the person looks at him, turning out to be a woman]
Fountain Drinker:
Who are you calling, 'bro,' bitch?
[
spits water]
Fountain Drinker:
[
Carlos looks towards the camera in embarrassment]
Host:
[
as gas station counter guy] Aren't you the one with twelve kids?
Hispanic Woman Customer At Gas Station:
[
smiles] Yes I am.
Host:
[
looks at camera] ... What do you feed them? Losing lottery tickets? You're never going to win the lottery! You have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest. And you have enough kids! Take your fifty dollars and buy yourself a vagina cork. I hope I get reincarnated as a condom so I never have to see your ugly-ass face again!
Host:
[
to overweight lady while he's a gas station store check-out guy] If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.
Host:
[
to Spanish customer who cusses at him as she walks out] I know Spanish too, Punta!
Host:
Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?
Peter Boyle:
[
reading Carlos' hate mail] Dear Carlos, I have seen you perform 27 more times than any other comedian. I brought my parents, my wife, and my brother, and I honestly have to say... your act sucks! I too am a latino, and I find your stereotyping of our race disgusting. I'm as liberal as the next guy, but I just can't stand you California queers! The one thing that lets me sleep is knowing you'll never end up on TV... maybe basic cable. Carlos Mencia, your a racist spic! GO FU*K YOURSELF! Sincerely, Michael Hernandez.
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