Connie:
We gotta go some place where we can just blend in. Somewhere where they'd never look for us, because there's no theatre, no musical theatre, no dinner theatre, no culture at all!
Carla:
Los Angeles.
Connie:
We could be LA girls now, we could work out.
[
Connie and Carla think for a second, then laugh hysterically]
Carla:
Good one.
[
while on stage, pretender to be a man in drag]
Carla:
I have a confession to make.
Connie:
Carla no
Carla:
...I am... an EATER!
Carla:
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Your voice is giving me Mono!
Jeff:
[
acting like a drag queen] Stripes! Mary holy Martha Stewart's prison collection! I've got three words for you Miss Thing, no, no, no, and four words, yesterday!
Connie:
Carla, calm down. Your voice is giving me cramps.
Carla:
We're girls pretending to be guys pretending to be girls!
Connie:
Let your eyes crinkle, let your skin wrinkle.
Connie:
Our lines show that we've lived.
Connie:
If he doesn't love you when you look like a map, tell him to hit the road.
Carla:
Girlfriends, big or small, thin or fat, worship that body, it's the only one you've got.
Tibor:
Stop talking, strange women.
Audience Member:
But we thought you were real men!
Debbie Reynolds:
These days honey, who is?
Robert:
By night we're a duo act Peaches 'n Cream.
Lee:
I hate our name.
Robert:
I think it's beautiful.
Lee:
That's because you're the Peaches part I'm 'n Cream. My name is 'n Cream. What does that even mean?
Lee:
All queens rise
[
they all rise and put their hands on their breasts]
Brian:
Oh blessed Saint Mary of drag queens. Please grant your never humble servants and our new friends with grace, jewels, and support hose.
Lee, Brian, Paul, Robert:
Gay-men
Connie, Carla:
Gay-men
Connie:
I like him!
Connie:
I saw him before when we were still girls. He was standing out front. We had this moment Carla. He was nice to me.
Carla:
What are you talking about?
Connie:
Right. Why would he ever be attracted to me? I'm a drag queen.
Tibor:
Ok, I have good news. I got a ticket to the matinee of Hairspray.
Paul:
No one fall on me this time. I'm delicate.
Paul:
That's not my name.
Brian:
How about Patty like me, Patty Cake.
Paul:
No.
Robert:
Patty O'Furniture.
Paul:
No.
Robert:
Patty Pooper.
Paul:
No!
Lee:
Good falsies. What do you use?
Connie:
None of your beeswax.
[
Lee proceeds to feel her breasts]
Carla:
Yea, they're really good you should all have a feel.
[
All of the guys walk over to feel her breasts]
Robert:
Supple. Good.
Connie:
Ok, then.
[
Gives Carla a look]
Carla:
Maybe we're having a delayed reaction to the trauma of being shot at like those guys in 'Nam.
Connie:
You can say 'Name Carla. You weren't in 'Nam. You have to call in Vietnam.
Carla:
Shut up Connie! I can call it what I want!
Connie:
Oh God! I kissed Jeff! I kissed Jeff and I wanna kiss him again without my wig!
Robert:
By night we're a duo act Peaches 'N Cream.
Lee:
I hate our name.
Robert:
I think it's beautiful.
Lee:
That's because you're the Peaches part I'm 'N Cream. My name is 'N Cream. What does that even mean?
Tibor:
[
in thick russian accent] Where is fet man?
Connie:
[
she and Carla are having a fight] Ow! Your knee is in my cootchie!
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