House of the Dead (2003)

Director:

Uwe Boll

Writers:

Mark A. Altman (story) &
Dan Bates (story) ...

Release Date:

10 October 2003 (USA)

Genre:

Action | Horror

Tagline:

The Dead Walk... You Run

Plot:

A group of teens arrive on an island for a rave--only to discover the island has been taken over by zombies. The group takes refuge in a house where they try to survive the night.

Plot Keywords:

Island | Rave | Video Game | Crucifix | Hand Grenade

Awards:

2 wins

Cast

  (Cast overview, first billed only)

Jonathan Cherry	...	Rudy
Tyron Leitso	...	Simon
Clint Howard	...	Salish
Ona Grauer	...	Alicia
Ellie Cornell	...	Casper
Will Sanderson	...	Greg
Enuka Okuma	...	Karma
Kira Clavell	...	Liberty
Sonya Salomaa	...	Cynthia (as Sonja Salomaa)
Michael Eklund	...	Hugh
David Palffy	...	Castillo
Jürgen Prochnow	...	Kirk (as Jurgen Prochnow)
Steve Byers	...	Matt
Erica Durance	...	Johanna (as Erica Parker)
Birgit Stein	...	Lena

Also Known As:

House of the Dead (USA) (recut version)
House of the dead: Le jeu ne fait que commencer (Canada: French title)

MPAA:

Rated R for pervasive strong violence/gore, language and some nudity.

Runtime:

90 min

Country:

Germany | Canada | USA

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Aspect Ratio:

2.35 : 1

Sound Mix:

DTS | Dolby Digital

Certification:

Malaysia:18SG | Iceland:16 | Sweden:15 | Portugal:M/16 | New Zealand:R16 | South Korea:18 | Germany:16 (Funny version) | Germany:18 (cut) | Argentina:13 | Australia:MA | Chile:14 | Finland:K-18 | Germany:18 (SPIO/JK) (uncut) | Hong Kong:III | Italy:VM14 | Mexico:C | Norway:15 | Philippines:R-13 | Singapore:M18 (cut) | Singapore:R21 | UK:15 | USA:R

Filming Locations:

Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

Company:

Boll Kino Beteiligungs GmbH & Co. KG

Trivia:

The fisherman with the hook (gaff) at the beginning of the movie is a reference to the killer in I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997).

Goofs:

Revealing mistakes: When Cynthia is shot by Casper, the impact sends her flying. If you look closely you can see a harness under her skirt and over her shoulders (under her blouse).

Quotes:

Capt. Victor Kirk: Where ya headin', girls? Huh?
Simon: It's, uh, somewhere in the San Juans. You must know where that is, right Skipper?
Salish: [looks at map] You crazy?
[to Kirk]
Salish: They crazy!
Capt. Victor Kirk: No, I don't think so.
Simon: Excuse me?
Capt. Victor Kirk: I said forget it.
Salish: Yeah, forget it! Forget it! That means stop talkin' and start walkin'!
Simon: Why?
[...]

Movie Connections:

References "Star Trek" (1966)

Soundtrack:

Salish

Gilligan's Island meets Shaun Of The Dead

Laid up and drugged out, as a kidney stone wended its merry way through my scarred urinary tract, with absolutely nothing better to do than let the painkillers swoon me into semi-oblivion, I happened to catch this movie on cable. I wouldn't want anyone to think that I paid to view it in a cinema, or rented it, or – heaven forfend! – that I watched it STRAIGHT.

Having played this sensationally gruesome video game and avidly trod the doomed rooms and dread passageways of The House, battling Chariot (Type 27), The Hanged Man (Type 041), and other impossible sentinels, my curiosity was piqued as to how the game would transfer to the movie screen.

It doesn't.

The banal plot revolves around a group of "crazy kids" – a la Scooby Doo – attending a remote island for a world-shaking "rave" – whatever that is. (You kids today with your hula-hoops and your mini-skirts and your Pat Boone…) After bribing a boat captain thousands in cash to ferry them there (a stupidity which begs its own network of rhetoric), they find the "rave" deserted.

Passing mention is made of a "house" – presumably the titular House Of The Dead – but most of the action takes place on fake outdoor sets and other locales divorced from any semblance of haunted residence.

A fallen video camera acts as flashback filler, showing the island in the throes of a – party?! Is that it? Oh, so this "rave" thingy is just a "party"? In the grand tradition of re-euphemizing "used cars" as "pre-owned", or "shell shock" as "post-traumatic stress disorder", the word "party" is now too square for you drug-addled, silicone-implanted, metrosexual jagoffs?

It is learned that the party was broken up by rampaging zombies. Intelligent thought stops here…

I don't think the pinheads who call themselves screenwriters and directors understand the mythos behind zombie re-animation. Zombies can't die – they're already UN-DEAD. They do not bleed, they know no pain. Unless their bodies are completely annihilated, they will continue being animated. At least, that's what my Jamaican witch priestess tells me.

Which means that a .45 shot into their "hearts" is not going to stop them, nor will a machete to the torso. And a shotgun blast to the chest will certainly NOT bring forth gouts of blood. At least in the video game's logic, the shooter pumps so many rounds into each monster that it is completely decimated, leaving a fetid mush that cannot re-animate itself.

Yet each actor-slash-model gets their Matrix-circular-camera moment, slaying zombies on all fronts with single bullets and karate chops to the sternum. Seriously, these zombies are more ineffective than the Stormtroopers from "Return Of The Jedi", who get knocked out when Ewoks trip them.

I suppose the film's writer, Mark Altman, having penned the not-too-shabby "Free Enterprise", felt compelled to insert a Captain Kirk reference, in the character of Jurgen Prochnow, who must have needed milk money desperately to have succumbed to appearing in this aromatic dung-swill. There is also a reference to Prochnow's primo role in the magnificent "Das Boot", when one of the untrained B-actors mentions that he "looks like a U-Boat Captain". ". I wonder how many of this movie's target audience of square-eyed swine picked up on ANY of the snide references to other films, as when Prochnow declares, "Say hello to my little friend", presaging his machine gun moment.

Aimed at a demographic who have not the wherewithal to comprehend the Sisyphean futility of the video-game concept (i.e. the game ends when you die – you cannot win), this is merely a slasher film for the mindless and mindless at heart. Accordingly, everyone dies in due course, except for a heterosexual pair of Attractive White People.

A better use for this film's scant yet misused budget might have been to send the cast through Acting School, although Ona Grauer's left breast did a good job, as did her right breast – and those slomo running scenes: priceless! I especially liked the final scene with Ona trying to act like she's been stabbed, but looking like she's just eaten ice cream too fast.

Attempting to do something more constructive with my time, I pulled out my Digitally-Restored, 35th Anniversary, Special Edition, Widescreen Anamorphic DVD of "Manos: The Hands Of Fate." Ah, yes! – the drugs were suitably brain-numbing - now HERE was some quality film-making…

(Movie Maniacs, visit: www.poffysmoviemania.com)