Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Temper's the one thing you can't get rid of, by losing it.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three of four men to share a bed.
Dave Buznik:
That's why I'm proud to be an American.
Linda:
How 'bout a kiss?
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
I'd love a kiss.
Dave Buznik:
I think she's talkin' to me. And, uh, I think I can handle it.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
[
throws a plate of eggs across the room] I SAID OVEREASY!
[
pause]
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Now, why did I do that?
Dave Buznik:
Because I refused to spoon with you last night?
Nate:
Ohh, the anger sharks are swimming in my head!
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Uh, Nate?
Nate:
Yes, Mr. Rydell?
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
I thought we agreed not to listen to games while in sessions.
Nate:
Oh, it's perfectely fine Mr. Rydell. I got it under control. See? Iverson just missed the shot, the Sixers lose. Who cares?... THE ANGER SHARKS ARE SWIMMING MY HEAD. YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT!
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Now then we need to go over some ground rules. You are to refrain from any any acts of violence including verbal assault and vulgar hand gestures. You may not use rage enhancing substances, such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine, slippy-flippy's, jelly stingers, trick sticks, bing bangs or flying willards.
Dave Buznik:
How 'bout fiddle-faddels?
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Under my supervision. Also, if you are unable to stop masterbating please, do so without the use of any pornographic images depicting quote, unquote 'angry sex.' That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how much fun we can have together.
Dave Buznik:
Geez, without slippy-flippy's or angry masterbating I don't see how that's possible.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin... from now on, unacceptable.
Dave Buznik:
[
singing] I feel pretty / oh, so pretty / oh, so pretty and witty and...
[
pause]
Dave Buznik:
gay...
Rudy Giuliani:
You can do it!
Lou:
I have a question: Why is it that Chuck here thinks he could smoke?
Chuck:
Cause I do whatever I want whenever I want, you little Spanish fruit topping.
Lou:
Honey, at least I didn't make my aunt pregnant.
Dave Buznik:
Five hour drive to find out mommy had a jelly bean removed from her nose... Glad I missed work. Can we eat now?
Dave Buznik:
Look everybody, Pana Banana's got a heinie! He's got a heinie!
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Alright, I'm going to need for you to retard your anger level a few notches and listen to me, can you do that?
Dave Buznik:
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah... it's retarded, I'm retarded.
[
fleeing the monastery]
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
You kicked some serious monk-ass there, baby!
Lou:
I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!
Lou:
Eskimos seem nice.
Dave Buznik:
I'm not a homophobe, I'm a pulling-out-my-penis-in-front-of-you-ophobe.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Can you please give me your name Mr. Head, and please don't tell me it's Dick!
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
She said she was going out with a friend named Andrea.
Dave Buznik:
She doesn't have a friend named Andrea. Did she say Andrew?
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Oh, ah, yes Andrew... the testicle with legs.
Chuck:
Here's my phone number.
[
Dave reads it]
Dave Buznik:
"You're gonna die, bitch"?
Chuck:
Oh, sorry. That's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera.
Dave Buznik:
Hi, I'm glad I'm not the only one in anger management.
Bobby Knight:
What? I don't need anger management! I thought this was sexaholics anonymous!
Dave Buznik:
Uh, I think that's down the hall.
Bobby Knight:
Oh, *screw* this!
[
throws his book across the room and stomps off]
Chuck:
I think Eskimos are smug.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
I'm going to need you to retard your anger.
Dave Buznik:
It's retarded. I'm retarded.
Dave Buznik:
I'm sorry I was so rude before... but... it's difficult for me... to... express myself... when I am on the verge of... exploding in my pants.
Kendra:
You are too cute.
Dave Buznik:
Get the fuck out of here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Now you are going to go up to her and tell her the following, "I'm sorry I was so rude before but it's difficult for me to express myself when I am on the verge of exploding in my pants."
Dave Buznik:
Huh?... No!
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Listen, if you don't tell her that, I'll fail you and send you to prison.
Dave Buznik:
So if I go up to her and repeat that crazy shit probably stolen from a porno film, you sick bastard, you'll release me from the program?
Chuck:
Yeah? And I'm sure I just heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.
Dave Buznik:
Are you Jewish?
Chuck:
I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican.
Chuck:
I still remember the war...
Dave Buznik:
Oh, yeah?
Chuck:
Yeah... Remember waking up to the sound of bombs dropping and children screaming...
Dave Buznik:
Oh, you were in Vietnam?
Chuck:
No... Grenada.
Dave Buznik:
Didn't that, like, last only 12 hours?
Cabbie:
Let's get this thing movin'! What the hell is your problem?
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
[
shouting] Shut your pie hole, we're working here!
Chuck:
What, do you think you're better than me, 'cause you got both your nuts?
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
I'm a pretty good guy and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how much fun we can have together.
Dave Buznik:
Jeeze, without slippy-flippies or angry masturbating? I don't see how that's possible
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Jibber jabber jibber jabbering, mumbo jumbo, denial, key-key-key-key-key-key!
Buddy:
Take off your clothes, I have a relaxing technique I want to show you, it will be good for you.
David:
You wanna see me naked Buddy?
Buddy:
Are you a homophobe Dave?
David:
No, I'm a taking-my-clothes-off-in-front-of-you-a-phobe.
Dave Buznik:
[
about to be shot by angry man] Let me just ask you one question... who's the pretty girl in the mirror there?
Lexus Man:
What mirror where?
[
shoots gun which is really water gun]
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Might I have your first name, Mr. Head, and tell me it isn't Dick.
Frank Head:
It's Frank!
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Ah, Fran. Isn't that normally a girl's name?
Chuck:
You come down here before the black wolf swallows my brain! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
[
after loudly passing gas in bed]
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
You hear that frog?
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
[
while taking a shower] Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!
Stacy:
Uh, we're in the adult film industry, and, we're lovers.
Gina:
Yeah.
Stacy:
So Gina was having sex with this guy Meelo which was totally cool cause it was in the script.
Gina:
So we invited him back to the house because we like a little variety...
Stacy:
I look up and see Gina kissing Meelo on the MOUTH which is not cool, because it violates our threesome code of ethics!
Gina:
So Stacy bit my toe off.
Stacy:
Then Meelo starts yelling, calling me a crazy skank...
Gina:
And nobody talks to my bitch that way.
Stacy:
That's right.
Gina:
So I stapled his lip SHUT.
Dave Buznik:
Well, we've all... been there.
Dave Buznik:
[
to his boss] By the way, his name's not fat-shit-cat. It's Meatball. And he's eating your crab cakes right now.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Sarcasm is the second cousin of Anger.
Dave Buznik:
Flirting is the second cousin of Cheating.
Dave Buznik:
[
to Linda] I want to have children with you! Children! With your eyes and my... last name! That's all I want.
Stacy:
[
about Mayor Giuliani] Who is that guy?
Gina:
I think it's Bill Clinton.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Dave assaulted a female flight attendant.
Stacy:
Nice.
Gina:
I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik:
i didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman...
Chuck:
Liar, Bullshiter... you're a WOMAN BEATER! And you can't admit it because you're a deluded piece of garbage!
Nate:
Don't worry doc, it's just a regular season game. Not that big of a deal... See, iverson just missed a layup, sixers lose.
[
pause]
Nate:
Ooooohhhh the anger sharks are swimming! You gotta dunk that shit! You gotta dunk that shit!
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Nate! Nate! Repeat after me, goosefraba.
Nate:
Goose... blah blah
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Dave, there are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive, which is the most common, is the type of individual you see screaming at a grocery store cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive, the least common, is the cashier at the store who remains quiet at his job day after day until he then finally loses it and just shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier.
Dave Buznik:
No, no, no. I'm the guy in the frozen food section dialling 911. I swear.
Chuck:
After I got back, I went through a rough time. Drinkin' booze, shootin' holes in the ceilin', screamin' myself to sleep... Finally, my parents said I had to move out.
Dave Buznik:
So I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.
Chuck:
Don't get cute, wise ass... But, yes.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
He was wondering how a man weighing 600 pounds could teach people about self-discipline.
Blind Man:
Happy now, asswipe?
Judge Brenda Daniels:
[
Dr. Buddy Rydell has volunteered to help Dave Buznik] You think you can help him?
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
Yep. And if I can't, I'll tear him apart with my bare hands.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
By the way, I like to sleep in the nude.
Dr. Buddy Rydell:
...You're on my side of the arm rest. We're not gonna have problems, are we?
Dave Buznik:
Why couldn't you have told her something else? I was at the bank! I was at the store! I ate bad guacamole and couldn't stop shitting! Any of those things would have been *fine*!
Dave Buznik:
[
recording his voice with the tape recorder] I'm feeling very angry right now, because I have only one bed and no couch.
Dave Buznik:
Flirting is cheating's ugly cousin Buddy, I am not a cheater.
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