Absolon (2001)

Director:

David DeBartolomé

Writer (WGA):

Brad Mirman (written by)

Genre:

Sci-Fi | Action | Thriller

Tagline:

Fight for the cure... Or face extermination!

Plot:

In a world ravaged by disease, he's the only cure... and the last hope for human-kind.

Plot Keywords:

Virus | Fall From Height | Trading Card | Hit With Shovel | Shower

Cast

Christopher Lambert	...	Det. Norman Scot
Lou Diamond Phillips	...	Agent Walters
Kelly Brook	...	Dr. Claire Whittaker
Ron Perlman	...	Murchison
Roberta Angelica	...	Det. Ruth Bryant
Neville Edwards	...	Harris
Tre Smith	...	Vasquez
James Kidnie	...	Doc
Topaz Hasfal-Schou	...	Davis (as Topaz Hasfal)
Donald Burda	...	Lt. Greer
Graham Kartna	...	Young David
Adam Bramble	...	Old David
Sarah Plommer	...	WJD Tech
Neil Foster	...	Dr. Frederick Reyna
Vanessa Winton	...	Sara

MPAA:

Rated R for violence.

Runtime:

Brazil:96 min | Argentina:96 min

Country:

Canada | UK

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Aspect Ratio:

1.85 : 1

Sound Mix:

Dolby Digital

Certification:

Denmark:15 | Argentina:16 | Canada:14A | Germany:16 | Iceland:16 | Norway:15 | USA:R

Filming Locations:

London, England, UK

Company:

GFT Entertainment

Trivia:

David DeBartolomé's first studio film.

Goofs:

Factual errors: When Scott turns on the gas in Greer's apartment, he turns the valve perpendicular to the pipeline. That would actually turn a gas line off. The valve handle must be parallel to the pipeline to be in the on position.

Quotes:

Murchison: [speaking to Walters] I send you out to do a simple thing. A simple thing, by definition, should not be difficult to accomplish. You, have taken that thing and allowed it to become a complex thing.

Movie Connections:

References Torrente, el brazo tonto de la ley (1998)

Soundtrack:

Absolon Theme

One of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever.

As far as direct-to-video sci-fi, it hardly gets worse than Absolon, and that's saying a whole lot. As with about 97.9% of the people who have seen this movie, I rented it because Christopher Lambert was in it. This movie was bad even by Christopher Lambert direct-to-video standards. The plot is a ludicrous story of viruses and big business in the "future". This future doesn't look very futuristic, but this is explained away in the prologue by telling the viewer that because so many people died in a plague, the world's population has enough goods to last another 100 years. I guess that's why everyone drives 2001 Tauruses and Explorers then, not budget constraints, right? Lambert comes out OK here, as he once again rises above his awful material to give what is at the very least an acceptable performance. Other than that, watch out. Lou Diamond Phillips hams it up like never before, and even Ron Perlman is stunningly awful in his small role (I guarantee he wasn't on set for more than a day or two, as his character never leaves his desk, and about halfway through the movie he stops interacting in person with the other characters, instead using video conferencing). Additionally, I'm pretty sure that in this future, anyone can be a cop, because one of Lambert's fellow cops looks like she is about 10 minutes removed from a Ramones show (with dark red streaks in her jet-black hair) and another appears to be wearing some sort of Indiana Jones Halloween costume (fedora included). Kelly Brook is gorgeous as Lambert's love interest, although her acting talent is limited as is her willingness to do nude scenes apparently. I've never felt so teased by a female character's lack of nudity in my life.

The direction is awful, I'm sure half of the people that read this, if not more, could make a better movie. Barto uses some of the most ridiculous editing techniques I've ever seen, including an incredibly obnoxious fast-forward/slo-mo combination that hurts my eyes every time it comes on screen. Even worse than the direction is the music. It's one thing to have the John Carpenter-esquire simplistic synth score, it's quite another to try to make it sound complex. The score was obviously recorded entirely on a synthesizer on "Strings" setting to emulate an orchestra, and the effect is hilarious, giving every second of music in the film a Casio Keyboard quality. This is not the only problem with the sound, however, as I swear there was one point in a chase sequence when Brook moved her mouth as if speaking and no speech accompanied it.

One of the worst movies I've ever seen, and maybe THE worst, but I'm giving it 3/10 because it is unintentionally funny to the point of actually being watchable all the way through, if only to wait for the next misstep.