Memorable quotes for
Death to Smoochy (2002) More at IMDbPro »

Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?
Wife: Yes, very much.
Randolph: Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.

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Randolph: Bastard Son of Barney! Die! Die, stuffed ball of fluff! Illegitimate Teletubbie! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherfucker!

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Randolph: That fuschia fuck! I'm gonna tear him apart, piece by piece!

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Sheldon: I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!
Nora: They all have views, you dumb shit!
Sheldon: Not looking this way, cupcake!

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Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June.

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Sheldon: When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

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Randolph: Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud.

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Sheldon: [singing] He slams the door He stomps his feet He sends me to bed with zilch to eat But my stepdad's not mean he's just adjusting.

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Sheldon: So remember kids, a stepdad is a lot like a new puppy. They need patience and love while they adjust to their new surroundings. But remember - if he is ever abusive to you or mommy, what are the magic numbers?
Kids: 9-1-1!
Sheldon: Thaaaaaaat's right!

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[Tommy Kotter is at a funeral]
Tommy: It's a shame this happened. Okay, now let's go pray and get shitfaced.

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[Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped Cookie made by Randolph]
Randolph: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.

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Sheldon: Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus Christ, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the rickety rackety, it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.

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[Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]
Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.
Randolph: And limber.

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Randolph: You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I'm goin' on safari motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I!
[rhino noise]

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Cop: Are you ok?
Randolph: I don't know. I'm kinda fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge.
[He faints]

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Sheldon: Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and... poke either of you.

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Sheldon: You can't change the world but you can make a dent.

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Sheldon: Someone toss me a beach towel because my head is swimming.

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Sheldon: Don't talk to me like that, I am not your puppet.

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[Merv got kidnapped by the mob]
Merv Green: It was a mistake! an Honest mistake! I only did it to help the Children!
Tommy: You like kids, eh?
Merv Green: Yes!
Tommy: You like fairy tales, then?
Merv Green: Yeah!
Tommy: Jimmy, tell him the one about the worthless prick that got his head chopped off with an axe.

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[to a baby, after framing Sheldon]
Randolph: Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!

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Nora: You're here to sell sugar and plastic.

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Tommy: Roy, have you got the hammer?
Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.

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Sheldon: Let's face it. Big junkies come from little junkies. We gotta nip this in the bud, Burke!

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Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.
Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast off time.

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Sheldon: Has anyone ever suggested that maybe a little yoga, maybe a high colonic or two could loosen you up a lot?

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Buggy Ding Dong: [when falling to his death] I never saw Venice.

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Randolph: Do not start with your magician's tricks young Moses! I am pharaoh! And you are my slave. And this... is my kingdom!

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Burke: You're gonna be so rich, you'll be pissing on hundred dollar bills just to see the look on Franklin's face!
Sheldon: I don't think I could ever do that. I have far too much respect for what that man accomplished.

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Tommy: This I guarantee: That fuckin' Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass.
Sheldon: Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.
Roy: Cops won't do the ball thing, it's against procedure.

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Sheldon: You work for Kidnet? Are you serious?
Nora: As a heart attack.

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Randolph: He's a pillow-biter, you know.
Sheldon: I wouldn't know anything about his sleeping disorders.

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Burke: If you rat on the Parade of Hope, you'll be lucky to find your toenails. These guys are the roughest of all the charities.

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Randolph: Didn't she tell you of the love we once had. Passionate yet tender, old-fashioned yet experimental.
Sheldon: Randolph, you have lost your mind.
Randolph: Oh, enlighten the lad, Nora. You were such a hot little brood mare, does the bridle still fit?
Sheldon: Hey, watch your mouth mister!
Nora: What experiments? I've had firmer handshakes, ya drunk.
Randolph: Please, it's small but, it's fierce!

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[repeated line]
Randolph: I'm Rainbow Fucking Randolph!

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Nora: We know you didn't kill Spinner so just cool your jets.
Randolph: Oh, thank you, Mother Teresa, why don't you tell that to the angry mob outside? They want my fucking ass. I'm like a god damn toaster at Macy's; Rainbow's ass - aisle three.

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Randolph: What about Wally the Whale?
Sheldon: Laura, how could you do it with Wally the Whale?
Randolph: There she blows!
Sheldon: I don't believe this is happening. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.
Nora: Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it but, there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.

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Burke: Sheldon, I know you got a fetish for ethics.

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[talking to Sheldon in Rainbow's former apartment]
Randolph: Look what you've done to this place. It's all Diane Fosse. When I lived here, it was Bob Fosse. Right there, I had a big painting of a naked chick holding a little plant; very tasteful, no bush... not a picture of your fucking mother!

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[Randolf is pinned by Sheldon]
Randolph: Nooo! You're to close to the fire - the flames are driving me maaaaaad!

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Randolph: She's right, you've got to keep your dignity in tact -
[spills coffee]
Randolph: Oww! My balls - they're on fire!

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Randolph: [giving Stokes the gift bag back] You know what to do with the hand lotion, you jerkoff.

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Randolph: [being led through the angry press] My name isn't Wandolph! It's Randolph! Somebody touched my ass! Get away from me! Don't touch me!
[gets hit by an egg]
Randolph: I've been SHOT! I'm bleeding! Somebody touched my ass!

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Buggy Ding Dong: Sorry if I smell like piss. You know how it is.

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Sheldon: You just fucked with the wrong rhino!

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Reporter: How does it feel to be voted the most hated man in America, Randolph?
Randolph: In a country full of Neanderthals, I wear the fuckin' badge of honor.

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Buggy Ding Dong: Buggy Ding Dong will rise up from his ashes like a magnificent Phoenix! Or some other town in Arizona!

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Angelo Pike: Buggy!
Buggy Ding Dong: Angelo!
Angelo Pike: I thought you cleaned up.
Buggy Ding Dong: Sure I cleaned up... half the poppies in Asia!

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Buggy Ding Dong: I always had the hots for you. Wanna see my buggy bumper?

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Sheldon: I loved Buggy Ding-Dong!
Nora: So did I, until he discovered the joys of Turkish black mule heroin.

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[his theme song]
Randolph: Friends come in all sizes/ That's a fact, it's true/ All the colours of rainbow/ From mauve to blue/ The names are different/ The shoes don't match/ Some like to toss/ And others to catch/ One might say grass while the other says snatch/ Because... friends come in all sizes/ Take it from me/ Golly gee/ Size doesn't matter/ When you want some friendly patter/ From a pal who is true/ And will lift you up when you're blue/ You can count on him/ He can count on you/ It's true/ It's true/ Friends come in all sizes!/
[repeat three times]
Randolph: Yes, they do!

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Burke: It's all about the dough, Shel. Once you get the money, you get the power. Once you get the power, you can have Smoochy walk out there with a dildo strapped to his head if you want.
Sheldon: [long pause] I don't think I've thought of that idea specifically, but I? I do see where you're going with this.

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Randolph: [Pointing gun at Nora and Sheldon] I've got Mr. Boomy, Missy!

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Spinner Dunn: [screaming in a crowded restaurant] Okay, I'm gonna go take a dump!

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Buggy Ding Dong: [as the crowd is chanting "Goodbye Moochie"] Goodbye Smoochy
[fires his sniper rifle]

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Randolph: [fighting over the sniper rifle] You shot the rhino you fuck
Buggy Ding Dong: Randolph? Let go of me!
Randolph: Give me that gun... BUGGY
Buggy Ding Dong: No I've got to kill the rhino

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Randolph: [as Buggy clings onto Randolph while both dangle from the catwalk] LET GO OF ME... YOU FUCKING JUNKIE

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Burke: [re-negotiating Sheldon's contract] Allow me to untangle this web of shit. I don't care if his last job was jugging rubber balls for a hut full of pygmies on the outskirts of the congo! This man fits the bill, and you need him! And that's why the rhino's going to get exactly what he deserves.

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