Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Somebody find Buckman, launch him out a torpedo tube.
Rear Admiral Yancy Graham:
Now, call me a prude if you want, but I don't think it's good policy for the Navy to hand over a billion-dollar piece of equipment to a man who has "Welcome Aboard" tattooed on his penis.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Oh gee. Now I've gone and done it, ruined my career.
Captain Carl Knox:
[
Reading a radio message] Apparently not. This is just in from COMSUBLANT. You're to report to Norfolk immediately... to take command of your own submarine.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
That's not funny.
Captain Carl Knox:
No, it's not. That's why they decoded it twice.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Well, no disrespect to the USS Rustoleum here, but I'd be better off in the Merrimack!
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
She may not be the youngest girl at the ball, but she'll turn a head or two.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Speaking of age, what do you think about our boat, Pascal?
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal:
I feel I need a tetanus shot just from looking at it. The only thing holding her together, are the bird droppings, sir.
Rear Admiral Yancy Graham:
You watch yourself, Dodge. You are addressing a superior officer!
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
No, merely a higher ranking one. Catch us if you can!
Stepanek:
Any way I can cause a problem?
"Sonar" Lovacelli:
No. We're pretty well covered for now.
Stepanek:
Shit.
[
Buckman has just let go a huge fart]
Captain Carl Knox:
Hear something?
Orlando Sonarman:
Yeah. Almost sounded like... an explosion.
Lt. Cmdr Dodge:
Lt. Lake, you're almost out of uniform.
Stepanek:
What's our mission? Rescue Gilligan?
Lt. Cmdr Dodge:
Let's kick this pig!
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
All right, everybody, it's time to kick this pig! Leave Graham squealing from the feeling!
Planesman 1st Class Jefferson 'R.J.' Jackson:
Squeaking from the freaking.
Seaman Buckman:
Oinking from the boinking.
Adm. Dean Winslow:
What do you think, Mr. Dodge?
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
I think I'm gonna get my ass kicked, sir.
Adm. Dean Winslow:
Aw, don't think like that! Damn it to hell! Don't go by the book. Think like a pirate. I want a man with a tattoo on his dick. Have I got the right man?
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
By a strange coincidence, you do, sir.
Stepanek:
Sit on it and rotate, sir.
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal:
[
shouts] What? What did you say, sailor? You can't say that!
[
Turns to Dodge, still shouting]
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal:
He can't say that!
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Pascal, down. Down. Heel.
Stepanek:
By the Uniform Code of Military Justice that constitutes gross insubordination, punishable by one month in a brig. I'm ready to go, sir.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Board the boat. I like a challenge.
Stepanek:
You'll throw me off within a week. I'm a dedicated pain in the butt, sir.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Stepanek.
Stepanek:
What?
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
If I throw you off... it'll be in the middle of the Atlantic. Board the damn boat.
[
while all the other crew members are working hard cleaning the boat, Stepanak is sitting in a lawn chair and sunning himself]
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Stepanek, what are you doing?
Stepanek:
As little as possible, sir. I'm a detriment to the entire operation. Total morale crusher.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
You know, of course, that the submarine service is entirely volunteer. All you have to do is quit.
Stepanek:
My old man won't let me.
[
Sarcasticly]
Stepanek:
He's an admiral. Thinks sub duty will shape me up. Ha!
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Well, I'm afraid you leave me no choice, son, but to relocate you.
Stepanek:
Really?
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Really.
[
Seaman Buckman passes by]
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Buckman!
Seaman Buckman:
[
suddenly stops and spins around... ] Yes, Sir?
[
... and accidentally knocks Stepanek over the side and right into a trough of oil waste]
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Thank you, Buckman. That'll be all.
[
during their first dive, Lt. Howard attaches the ends of a string to the opposite sides of the engine room]
Lt,. Howard, Chief Engineer:
Now... keep an eye on this string, 'cause the water pressure is gonna squeeze the hull of this boat like an empty beer can.
[
laughs maniacally]
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
All right, ladies and gentlemen. We have fulfilled every requirement of this mission except one: Norfolk. Presently, there are several ships positioned outside the harbor to intercept us. To get in, we're gonna have to use a tactic that is somewhat bizarre, and extremely risky. If any of you feel it's not worth it, please let me know now.
Seaman Stanley 'Spots' Sylvesterson:
Uh, actually, sir, I think we prefer to go with the bizarre and risky. Worked for us so far.
Lt,. Howard, Chief Engineer:
[
the string he placed across the hull goes slack] Bet you never see somethin' like this on one of them big nukes.
[
Stepanek shakes his head no]
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Uh... no, we didn't use clothes lines. We had those dryer things with the window in front.
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal:
Sonar Technician Second Class, E.T. Lovacelli, sir! Goes by the nickname "Sonar."
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Welcome aboard, Sonar.
"Sonar" Lovacelli:
Uh, 'scuse me, sir. This is an actual Navy submarine? Not a float in a parade or something?
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Afraid so, Sonar.
"Sonar" Lovacelli:
Huh... isn't that odd?
[
he shuffles past Dodge and starts up the gangplank]
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
[
aside to Pascal] Don't tell me - deaf as Beethoven.
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal:
[
whispering] Oh, no. Great ears, sir. Watch what you say around him, he hears everything. His last C.O. thought he was a security risk.
[
at the top of the gangplank, Sonar turns around]
"Sonar" Lovacelli:
[
yells] Uh, excuse me, sir! I don't hear everything. And I'm quite trustworthy too.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Right.
Lt. Cmdr Dodge:
Men, at ease. I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of our crew, Lt. Emily Lake. Emily is part of a pilot program to test the feasibility of women serving on submarines. She's going to be our diving officer.
Stepanek:
Can she do a one-and-a-half inward back in the layout position?
[
laughter]
Lt. Cmdr Dodge:
All right, look, gentlemen! I know this is an unusual situation. Can't be easy for Lt. Lake here to be thrown into a jungle such as this, and I know it will make things hard on all of us...
[
laughter]
Lt. Cmdr Dodge:
Let me re-phrase that. It's going to make things *difficult* on all of us as well. But if we just work together as a team, I'm sure we can handle ourselves...
[
laughter]
Lt. Cmdr Dodge:
*Comport* ourselves as professionals. That is all.
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal:
Jesus, Buckman! This stuff's been on the Stingray since Korea! This can expired in 1966!
Seaman Buckman:
[
tasting contents of can] What's the matter sir? It still tastes like creamed corn.
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal:
Except it's - DEVILED HAM!
Seaman Buckman:
Now that would be a problem.
Lt. Cmdr Dodge:
Mister Jackson, you look like you could use some fresh air.
Planesman 1st Class Jefferson 'R.J.' Jackson:
Uh... N-no?
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Cool! Did we hit an iceberg?
"Sonar" Lovacelli:
Off the coast of Virginia?
Lt. Comd. Dodge, Stepanek, "Sonar" Lovacelli, Planesman 1st Class Jefferson 'R.J.' Jackson, Seaman Buckman, Seaman Stanley 'Spots' Sylvesterson, Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
[
singing] It's a short little walk bound for eternity/ Yo-ho and blow the man down.
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
[
Sinatraish] Blow that nutso kooky punk back downtown!
Seaman Buckman:
Nitro, isnt't that one of my chickens?
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
No, it's a uh parrot uhh from the Carribean
Seaman Buckman:
Well don't let it fly away that's supper
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Arr.
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Radio's workin' like a swiss... car.
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Radio call for you cap'n. Some guy named Graminahamham.
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Radio call for you sir. It's that General what's-his-name again
"Sonar" Lovacelli:
Approaching the bottom, sir. I can hear a couple of lobsters dukin' it out.
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
[
singing like Sinatra while working on the radio] I'm gonna feel the way I do today, 'cause you-you nutsy chick, you broad-you make me feel so young. Boom.
[
speaking]
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Oh boys, that was terrible. I'm going out, I'm gonna have a smoke. When I come back, get the horn section figured out, I can't work like this.
[
Cuts a wire and gets zapped. He drops his tool, pauses, then picks it up and continues working, though now in an announcer's voice]
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Two on, two out, Bonds is up again. Swung on, oh! That struck the ballgirl, knocked her cold! Today's game by the way...
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
That boy's absorbed alot of voltage.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Hearing anything unusual, Sonar?
"Sonar" Lovacelli:
Uh, nothing much, sir. Buckman's eating an Oreo up in the galley... Stepanak's taking a leak.
Seaman Buckman:
The name's Buckman.
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Uh... Nitro, hi.
Seaman Buckman:
Interesting nickname, what's your real name?
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Nitro.
[
pauses]
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
I'm working on a nickname, though.
Seaman Buckman:
Oh yeah?
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Yeah. Listen to this... Mike.
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal:
BUCKMAN! There was a FINGERNAIL in my FOOD, ya fatass moron! Yesterday, there was a BAND-AID!
Seaman Buckman:
Sorry, sir. The band-aid was holding the fingernail on.
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal:
What else do you put in your sauce, Buckman?
Seaman Buckman:
It's an old family recipe, sir. It's a secret.
Executive Officer Martin T. 'Marty' Pascal:
Oh my GOD! There's COCKroaches in the FLOUR! Your CIGAR ASH is in the SPAGHETTI!
"Sonar" Lovacelli:
[
Whispering, and pointing straight up] Sir, it's the Orlando. Someone just dropped 45 cents.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Are you sure?
"Sonar" Lovacelli:
Oh, yeah. A quarter and 2 dimes.
[
Dodge releases the men from active duty]
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
[
quietly to himself] Live it up guys, you earned it.
[
from twenty yards away, Sonar turns back to the captain]
"Sonar" Lovacelli:
[
shouting back] Thank you, sir! I'll try not to over-do it!
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Give me all you got, Howard!
Lt,. Howard, Chief Engineer:
Aye, sir! This is what I live for, DBF!
[
pulls out a bottle of whiskey, takes a swig, and pours the rest into the fuel tank]
Stepanek:
What are you doing?
Lt,. Howard, Chief Engineer:
Whiskey, thins down the mix. Gives us another 50 RPM's!
Stepanek:
[
after Dodge leaves Lt. Lake's quarters] Polishing the ol' torpedo sir?
Lt. Cmdr Dodge:
Shut up Stepanek.
Stepanek:
Thank you sir. It's good to be noticed.
[
from trailer]
Seaman Buckman:
You ever hear of the mile deep club?
Lt. Emily Lake, Diving Officer:
You ever hear of the salad bar?
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
1-A... cold. 1-B... cold. 1-C
[
sparks fly]
Seaman Nitro 'Mike':
Hot!
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Lt. Lake, you're almost *out* of uniform.
Rear Admiral Yancy Graham:
Now call me a prude if you want, but I don't think it's good policy for the navy to hand over a billion dollar piece of equipment to a man who has 'Welcome Aboard' tattooed on his penis.
Adm. Dean Winslow:
I will not be able to give you your Los Angeles class boat
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
[
sighs] Yes, sir.
Adm. Dean Winslow:
You will instead be given a new *Seawolf* class nuclear sub, and will attend its lunch on friday. And you'll be given a crew consistant with your leadership and tactical abilities
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
Thank you, sir. But I'll have to decline
Adm. Dean Winslow:
Decline?
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
I would not be in line for such a promotion, without the help of my present crew. I could not in good conscious take command without them.
Rear Admiral Yancy Graham:
[
about the War Game] I expect you to abide by the rules of this War Game.
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
[
On the Stingray] Since when did the rules ever apply to you?
Rear Admiral Yancy Graham:
Watch it! Don't you realise that you are addressing a supirior officer?
Lt. Comd. Dodge:
No... Merely a higher ranking one! CATCH US IF YOU CAN!
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