Cosgrove:
You're not a failure kid. It's just that your ideas are silly and dumb.
Freakazoid:
Don't let me fall into nothingness! I won't be happy there!
Freakazoid:
If this were an after-school special, ooh, you'd pay a bittersweet price for your little deceit, like getting big oily zits! Or eating off the same plate as David Lee Roth!
Lord Bravery:
What kind of superhero would call himself Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes?
Mr. Snarzetti:
Ah. One who wants to use the element of surprise.
Freakazoid:
Please, please, leave me alone. I'll give you anything, anything you want, if you'll just go away. How about the just-written script of Batman IV?
Fan Boy:
Plucked it off the internet last night.
Freakazoid:
An autographed picture of Stan Lee?
Fan Boy:
Who's that?
Freakazoid:
No idea. How about your very own Harlan Ellison?
A Lawn Gnome:
We are wise and cunning.
Another Lawn Gnome:
We stole man's fire and then tried to hide it in our pockets.
A Lawn Gnome:
That was painful and dumb. So we became even more cunning.
[
Left alone at a "Gulliver" show]
Professor Jones:
Freakazoid? Where are you?
[
pause]
Professor Jones:
Oh, the pain, the pain.
[
c.f. "Lost in Space" (1965)]
Freakazoid:
[
on the phone] Guess where I am. I'm at your prison. Me and my friends are gonna rescue the Douglas family and a mime and escape YOU BIG FATHEAD! FATTY FATTY CHUNKY CHUNKY LARDFACE!
Russian Security Minister:
Your death will be very painful.
[
hangs up]
Russian Security Minister:
Notify the prison authorities. I want to deal with Freakazoid personally!
Steph:
Freakazoid, you just insulted the security minister and gave him our exact location!
Roddy MacStew:
What was the point, lad? What's your plan?
Freakazoid:
[
thinks a moment] OK, I know you're gonna be mad but I forgot the rest of my plan.
Guitierrez:
[
Guitierrez tries to find Freakazoid's weakness, he pulls a green rock out of his cloak] Behold, the purest Kryptonite. Are you feeling weak, my friend, oh so weak?
Freakazoid:
That's Superman's weakness, not mine!
Guitierrez:
Really?
Freakazoid:
Yeah, duuuuuuhhh!
Guitierrez:
[
pulls out a yellow pad of paper, and holds it in front of Freakazoid's face] Oh, that stupid man at the store! Then how about this! Does the yellow hurt your eyes, my friend? Feeling weak, oh so very weak?
Freakazoid:
That's Green Lantern!
Guitierrez:
Oh, shoot!
[
throws it down, picks up a glass of water and throws it in Freakazoid's face]
Guitierrez:
Then how 'bout some... water in your face! Are you meling, melting, my friend?
Freakazoid:
That's the Wicked Witch!
Guitierrez:
Oh, we're wasting time. What is your weakness?
Freakazoid:
Well...
[
quick cut to Freakazoid in a cage]
Freakazoid:
[
to self] Dumb, dumb, dumb! Never tell the villian how to trap you in a cage!
Guitierrez:
You probably shouldn't have helped us build it, either.
Freakazoid:
I know. Dumb!
Guitierrez:
So... graphite bars charged with negative ions. That is your weakness, eh?
Freakazoid:
That, or poo gas.
Guitierrez:
You know, it's a funny thing. Nobody likes poo gas, my friend. Blagh!
The Lobe:
When they make me into an Orangu-man, I hope they don't put me in a tutu. I'd hate that.
The Lobe:
I went to all the trouble to think up this brilliant plan, the least you can do is chase me around.
Dr. Mystico:
I'll build a private army of super-apes and take over Cleveland!
Cosgrove:
Don't you mean the world?
Dr. Mystico:
I meant the world, yes. What did I say? Cleveland? Oh, I *always* do that!
Freakazoid:
Now, now, ladies, there's plenty of me for everybody - if not, I'll just have 'em draw me bigger.
Dexter Douglas:
I wish I were home reading funny stories in binary.
Announcer:
We interrupt this program to increase dramatic tension.
Douglas Douglas:
You know, Duncan, you're the only one who ever *sees* this blue guy.
Duncan Douglas:
He's *real*!
Debbie Douglas:
Well, of course he's real to *you* dear, but that's because you're probably insane.
Roddy MacStew:
At least let the boy go!
Gutierrez:
No.
Roddy MacStew:
Why not?
Gutierrez:
Because he tasks me! He *tasks* me! Around the moons of Vega, I chuckle at thee. Around the suns of Andromeda, I chuckle more at thee. Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins! Kirk, oh, friend, I... Oh!
[
fixes tie]
Gutierrez:
I'm sorry...
Guitierrez:
How did you activate the flaw?
Dexter Douglas:
I... I don't know! Th... the cat did it!
Guitierrez:
[
cut to Mr. Chubbikins tied up with them] Bring in the animal psychologist!
[
he enters]
Guitierrez:
Ask him how he activated the flaw!
Animal Psychologist:
Meow, meow, meow?
Mr. Chubbikins:
Mrrow... mrrow...
Animal Psychologist:
Meow, meow?
Mr. Chubbikins:
Mrrow... mrrow...
Animal Psychologist:
He says he's very sad.
Guitierrez:
Oh, go away!
Hans:
Now, come. We mustn't linger. It is not safe here at night.
Freakazoid:
It's day.
Hans:
Well, then, I suppose we can linger for a moment.
[
after a long, passionate kiss]
Freakazoid:
That was shallow, cheap, and based solely on hormones. Works for me!
Freakazoid:
Aw, nut bunnies.
Freakazoid:
I don't want to go down into the sewer. It smells like poo gas.
Hans:
She is a beautiful mountain, yes? But in the Cloud lurk... (dramatic pause) spooky things.
Dr. Mystico:
They called me mad! Insane! Wendell!
[
Guitierrez is issuing a challenge to Freakazoid through the TV]
Guitierrez:
Why don't you come and see me Freakazoid? It has been too long since we have exchanges... cordialities face to face.
Professor Jones:
(off camera) That's not a word!
Guitierrez:
I am stronger than you, faster than you, and better than you.
Freakazoid:
Yes, but can you dance?
Guitierrez:
[
does a short step dance] Yes.
Freakazoid:
[
hushed whisper] Wow.
Freakazoid:
Cosgrove, how come you never got married?
Cosgrove:
Because I like meat too much.
Freakazoid:
You can get married and still eat a lot of meat.
Cosgrove:
...I didn't know that.
Guitierrez:
Now, I shall have my revenge on you because of what you did to my face!
[
pulls off hood to reveal a horribly mishappen and discolered face]
Freakazoid:
[
gasps] EEEEEEWWWWWWW
Guitierrez:
Yes, my friend. EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW
Debbie Douglas:
You spend far too much time on that computer. It's not healthy.
Dexter Douglas:
It's my life.
Debbie Douglas:
That's so very, very sad.
Freakazoid:
[
in tough guy voice] Nothing will stand in my way!
Cosgrove:
Hey, Freakazoid! Wanna get a mint?
Freakazoid:
[
in normal voice] Ok!
[
after some of his dialogue is poorly lyp-synced]
Freakazoid:
Ugh! Let's watch the lip-sync, okay?
[
shot of a giant pair of lips sinking into the ocean]
Freakazoid:
[
with poor lip-sync] Ah, thank you!
Freakazoid:
The scariest thing in the world would be if they gave Sinbad another TV show.
Kids:
Aaaah!
Alien:
[
alien ship lands at the White House and alien walks out] I have traveled many millions of lightyears across forty billion galaxies to come here for the answer to a vital question that concerns the entire universe.
Celebrity:
Bill Clinton: And what is that question?
Alien:
Please tell us, that doll Barbie, what's the name of her little sister?
Celebrity:
[
Bill Clinton whipers] Oh, I think it was Pebbles.
Freakazoid:
[
whispers] Let me handle this.
[
confidently]
Freakazoid:
It's Skipper!
Alien:
Skipper. Huh.
[
alien walks back into the ship]
Alien:
Hey, everyone! It's Skipper!
[
aliens cheer]
Freakazoid:
[
skips into frame] What am I supposed to do again?
Jack Valenti:
Find Guitierrez!
Freakazoid:
Oh, yeah!
[
starts shouting]
Freakazoid:
Mr. Guitierrez? Yoo-hoo! Oli-oli-oxen-free! Mr. Guiterrez! Hey, Guiterrez!
Cosgrove:
[
walking through sewers] What do they call "poo-gas" in Scotland?
Roddy MacStew:
"Crud-vapors".
Freakazoid:
Come on, Cosgrove!
Cosgrove:
I'm not goin' down there. It smells like poo-gas down there.
[
moments before a bomb explodes]
Freakazoid:
Allow me to be the first to say, "Ouch!".
The Lobe:
[
watching Seinfeld] The key to the whole show is Newman.
Cosgrove:
How come you don't say anything useful?
Professor Jones:
How come you have the IQ of a biscuit?
Cosgrove:
[
raising his fist] How would you like me to twist your body into funny balloon animal shapes?
Professor Jones:
[
laughs nervous] Perhaps I misspoke.
Jack Valenti:
We've put together a little motion picture about Freakazoid's origin. It's filled with action and adventure and even features a scene with a man wrestling a bear for no reason.
Announcer:
[
if the show hypothetically ended short] Since this week's episode ended early, I'll recite some of my favorite naughty limericks. I'm sure you'll find them pleasing and saucy. There once was a woman from Bristow...
Steph:
Maybe we should catch a movie.
Cosgrove:
Good idea. I want to see "Babeheart."
Freakazoid:
What's that?
Cosgrove:
It's about a cute little pig that slaughters the English.
Soldier:
[
Movie starts] I say. Look at that little pig over there.
Babeheart:
La, La, La! You dumbheads better get out of Scotland!
Soldier:
And if we don't?
[
Carnage ensues on screen]
Steph:
This sure is a gory movie.
Cosgrove:
Yeah, but that's one mighty cute pig.
Freakazoid:
I think he deserves some kind of cute pig award!
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