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New Eden (1994) (TV)
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Prisoners are dumped on a sand planet dubbed Earth 21-523 where most are immediately killed by the sand... more | add synopsisPlot Keywords:
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Spew Eden, more like!!! Do you see? moreCast
(Cast overview, first billed only) | Stephen Baldwin | ... | Adams |
 | Lisa Bonet | ... | Lily |
 | Tobin Bell | ... | Ares |
 | Michael Bowen | ... | Kyne |
 | Janet Hubert | ... | Ashtarte (as Janet Hubert-Whitten) |
 | M.C. Gainey | ... | Thor |
 | Kate McGregor-Stewart | ... | Diana |
| Abraham Verduzco | ... | Luke |
| Fred Maio | ... | Hayashi |
 | Conrad Goode | ... | Golyat |
| Clark Sanchez | ... | Pirate #1 |
| J. Michael Oliva | ... | Pirate #2 |
| Bud Witte | ... | Arg |
| Jerry King | ... | Travis |
 | Shaun Duke | ... | Barak (as Duke Moosekian) |
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It took me three sittings to get through this film. Three. It's that exciting.
Tobin Bell's the only one who gets something resembling an interesting character to work with here, while Lisa Bonet does the best she can with the uninspiring lurve interest role. The sub-Snake Plissken bad guy, though, is about as menacing as a courgette, while Stephen Baldwin - not the most charismatic man in the world to begin with - has never been more irritating in his life. Someone kick his face in, for God's sake.
And you'd think that a film with absolutely no aspirations beyond nicking various cliches from Mad Max 2, Steel Dawn etc. etc. would at least have a worthwhile idea of what to do with them at the end of the day, but sadly it can't even manage that. Not only is New Eden staggeringly boring, it's also full of conflicting messages: hey kids, live in peace! Sacrifice yourself for others! And if you have to fight, fight with honour! (Except when you've got a shotgun and the bad guys are unarmed, in which case feel free to blow big holes in them.)
New Eden = Big Cack. Don't waste your time.