[
first lines]
Dekker:
This is one hell of a way to spend Christmas...
[
Jack Slater is Hamlet]
Hamlet:
Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake!
Narrator:
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash.
Old Man:
Stay thy hand, fair prince.
Hamlet:
[
shooting him] Who said I'm fair?
Narrator:
No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night.
Hamlet:
To be or not to be? Not to be.
Jack Slater:
Big mistake!
[
Dead assassin tumbles out of closet after Slater has fired into it without warning]
Danny Madigan:
How'd you know someone was in there?
Jack Slater:
There's always someone in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors.
Vivaldi:
What I'm saying is; Mr. Benedict can take you out as easy as cake.
[
Danny Madigan is watching the bad guys on the screen]
Danny Madigan:
You are gonna pay... Oooh, you gonna pay!
[
Frank's last words]
Frank:
I'm out of here...
[
When danny comes home with Jack at 4 a.m]
Danny's mom:
Where have you been? The police called. You're not here. You're not there.
Danny Madigan:
Mom, I'm sorry, okay. Shh.
Danny's mom:
" Okay, shh?" There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say to me? "Okay, shh?" Will you get in here?
Danny Madigan:
Mom? You know how you always say you wish I had more friends? Well.
Jack Slater:
Hello Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunshweiger.
Jack Slater:
Who the hell are you?
Danny Madigan:
Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan. I'm a kid.
Danny Madigan:
OK, I got one. What about this girl right here. She is way too attractive to be working in a video store.
Jack Slater:
I agree with you. I think she should be working with us... under cover of course...
Danny Madigan:
You think you are funny, don't you?
Jack Slater:
I know I am. I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger.
Danny Madigan:
Schwarzenegger!
Jack Slater:
Gesundheit.
Jack Slater:
Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please?
Jack Slater:
I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you?
Danny Madigan:
That's what you always say!
Jack Slater:
I do?
Jack Slater:
Kid! Who does the doctor treat?
Danny Madigan:
Patients?
Jack Slater:
Look at the elbow of my jacket. What is it doing?
Danny Madigan:
Wearing thin?
Jack Slater:
Bingo!
[
Danny Madigan was just kissed by Whitney Slater]
Danny Madigan:
From now on it's all gonna be downhill...
Whitney Slater:
FREEZE! Lose the guns or I redecorate in brain-matter grey, got it?
Danny Madigan:
Chicken it is...
Danny Madigan:
...I though I was going to die.
Jack Slater:
Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation... and your first divorce.
Jack Slater:
And Whitney! Why can't she be like every other teenager. For prom night she stayed home and field stripped an AK-47.
[
Jack Slater realizes that a nerve gas bomb is hidden in Leo "the Fart"'s body]
Jack Slater:
Leo "the Fart" is gonna pass gas one more time.
Vivaldi:
Mr. Torelli. I hope it's all right with you I am here. I don't wanna be no fourth wheel...
Vivaldi:
You've had Slater in front of the eight ball before, but you always screwed it up.
Benedict:
[
after Vivaldi leaves] It's behind the eight ball, you old fool!
[
repeated line]
Dekker:
Slater!
Jack Slater:
Stop shouting! I'm not deaf!
Jack Slater:
I don't care who does what to your Hershey highway!
[
the nervgasbomb goes of in the tar-pit]
Jack Slater:
Silent but deadly!
Benedict:
If God was a villain, he would have been me.
[
Jack Slater throws Benedict against a wall, and both Benedict and his servant disappears through it]
Jack Slater:
Usually when I do that it leaves a hole...
Nick:
There are lots of things worse than movies: politicians, wars, forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, warts, politicians...
Jack Slater:
You already mentioned them.
Nick:
I know I did. They are twice as bad as anything else.
James Belushi:
I'm not really a big fan of Arnold's... She is, you know... Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens.
Frank:
We mostly talk muzzle velocities. Guns.
Benedict:
Gentlemen. Since you are about to die anyway, I may as well tell you the entire plot. Think of villains Jack. You want Dracula? Dra-cool-la? Hang on
[
takes out the ticket]
Benedict:
, I'll fetch him. Dracula? Huh. I can get King Kong! We'll have a nightmare with Freddy Krueger, have a surprize party for Adolf Hitler, Hannibal Lecter can do the catering, and then we'll have christening for Rosemary's Baby! All I have to do is snap my fingers and they'll be here. They're lining up to get here, and do you know why Jack? Should I tell you why? Hmm? Because here, in this world, the bad guys can win!
Jack Slater:
Here's another explosion for your movie, kid.
Tony Vivaldi:
What is this, Benedict? First you're my friend; now you turn a... 360 on me!
Benedict:
180, you stupid, spaghetti-slurping cretin - *180*! If I did a 360, I'd go completely around and end up back where I started!
Tony Vivaldi:
What?
Benedict:
Trust me!
[
shoots him]
Jack Slater:
You wanna be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres!
Jack Slater:
Look! Elephant!
Jack Slater:
We're that close in catching him.
Danny Madigan:
No, Jack. We're that close to catching pneumonia.
Benedict:
I wonder if you could help me?
Mechanic:
Sure, what do ya need?.
Benedict:
Well...
[
benedict shoots him. He listens for a while, looks at his wristwatch, then shouts]
Benedict:
Hello? I've just shot somebody, I did it on purpose.
[
listens some more, still nothing]
Benedict:
I said, I have just murdered a man, and I wish to confess!
[
listens some more, someone tells him, "Hey, shut up, down there!". He looks pleased]
Jack Slater:
I think the taxis are bulletproof.
Dekker:
And you promised me you wouldn't tell!
Jack Slater:
I didn't.
Dekker:
Well, then how did he know?
Danny Madigan:
"Jack Slater I".
Dekker:
What's winning got to do with this?
Danny Madigan:
No. The very first "Jack Slater".
Dekker:
[
to Jack] You told your dad?
Jack Slater:
I didn't tell anybody! I don't even know this kid!
Dekker:
Well, he sure seems to know a lot about us.
[
Playing "Chicken" riding a bike]
Danny Madigan:
This is gonna work. It's a movie, I'm a good guy. This has got to work!
[
Danny thinks again]
Danny Madigan:
I'm a comedy sidekick. Oh, shit! I'm a comedy sidekick! IT'S NOT GONNA WORK!
[
after seeing a "Terminator 2" poster with Sylvester Stallone]
Danny Madigan:
No. It's not possible!
Jack Slater:
What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever!
Danny Madigan:
But... that was you! YOU were in that movie!
[
a girl close-by hears them]
Girl:
[
to Jack] You were in a movie?
Jack Slater:
Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together.
John Practice:
How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Jack Slater:
By practice. John Practice!
Jack Slater:
Sir, are you a henchman?
Benedict:
No, I only go as far as lackey.
Benedict:
Here, in this world, the bad guys can win!
Death:
I don't do fiction. Not my field.
Danny Madigan:
Where are the ordinary, everyday women? They don't exist because this is a movie!
Jack Slater:
No, this is California.
Jack Slater:
Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the damn gun.
Benedict:
No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty.
Jack Slater:
Let's say this is a movie. How many times have you heard someone say, "stay in the car," and the guy doesn't? What happens?
Danny Madigan:
He saves the day.
Jack Slater:
Or, gets killed!
The mayor:
Jack, as mayor of this great metropolis, you and I have had our little tiffs, but this is the Lieutenant Governor.
Lt. Governor:
Slater, here's what I...
Jack Slater:
[
breaks the Lieutenant Governor's nose] When the Governor gets here, call me.
Jack Slater:
[
John Practice has just betrayed Slater] Danny told me not to trust you. He said you killed Mozart.
John Practice:
Mo- who?
Jack Slater:
-zart.
John Practice:
[
thinks for a bit, shrugs] You know, I kill a lot of people, I can't remember half of them.
Jack Slater:
Iced that guy, to cone a phrase.
Jack Slater:
Why am I wasting time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers?
[
about to shoot Benedict]
Jack Slater:
No sequel for you.
Danny Madigan:
[
Slater prepares to jump out a window in pursuit of Benedict] Jack, where are you going?
Jack Slater:
[
referring to Benedict and his ever-changing glass eye] Got to catch the red-eye!
Jack Slater:
[
hearing Mozart on the radio] ... Shhh can you turn that up? What is that?
Danny's mom:
It's Mozart...
Jack Slater:
[
looks at Danny and whispers] ... The one Practice killed?
Danny's mom:
You like Mozart?
Jack Slater:
[
smiles] ... I don't know, but I think I will... Wow.
Death:
[
looking down at a wounded Jack Slater] I was only curious, he's not on any of my lists.
Death:
[
turns to Danny] but *you* are... Daniel.
Danny Madigan:
Now?
Death:
No, you die a grandfather...
Death:
[
to Danny] You're very brave. But also not very bright. If I were you, I'd be looking for the other half of the ticket.
Ripper's Agent:
Did Nicholson show up for the premiere of "Batman" dressed as the Joker? I don't THINK so!
Jack Slater:
I mean, all I had to do, is just drive around the neighborhood, and point my finger at a house, and say 'The bad guys are in there!'
Skeezy:
Umm, sir, the guy with the missing eye, I got his License Plate number.
Jack Slater:
Good for you.
[
thinks for a second]
Jack Slater:
...you mean the guy with the glass eye?
Skeezy:
No sir, when I saw him, it was missing.
Cop at Ex-Wife's House:
[
finds Benedicts glass eye with a message] Vengeance... is...
[
lines up the words]
Cop at Ex-Wife's House:
...mine?
Jack Slater:
[
the glass eye starts beeping] No don't touch...
[
a dome shaped explosion surrounds the whole house causing all the house, and car alarms to go off]
Danny Madigan:
What if staying in the car is what gets me killed?
Jack Slater:
There's a gun in the glove compartment.
Jack Slater:
[
standing next to Leo The Fart's body] He was a good man, a flatulent man.
Benedict:
[
to Danny] I must warn you, I've killed people smarter and younger than you.
Dekker:
SLAAAAAAAAAATERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
[
watching Jack wipe tar off his face with a paper towel]
Danny Madigan:
You know, tar actually sticks to some people.
Related Links
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