Synopsis for
The Clan of the Cave Bear (1986) More at IMDbPro »

Orphaned homo sapiens child Ayla is taken in and raised by a roving Neanderthal band, learns to be a healer and a huntress in the Clan. No English or many spoken words at all.

The movie begins with solemn music designed to evoke a sense of grand importance of the film on the part of the viewer coupled with words scrolling across the screen explaining the period of time the film's events take part in: i.e. when Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons both existed on continental europe.

Salome Jens purrs:

"At the dawn of mankind there were the Neanderthals. During the long ice age they lived in caves scattered across Europe and the near East. The thirty five thousand years ago, a new people appeared the Cro-Magnon. For a brief period in time these two groups shared the stage of prehistory. What happened to the Neanderthals is still a mystery, but it was the Cro-Magnon who survived and began the long climb to the world we know now."

[This is to establish the historical accuracy and the "seriousness" of the film and to unsubtly remind the audience that the neanderthals were the primitive idiots as per Jean M. Auel's novel - which of course perpetuates the incorrect assumptions of Neanderthals but didn't stop her from trying to sue the film makers for making a crap film out of a crap novel - in their defence she should have known "you can't polish a turd into a diamond"]

This is followed by a show case of prehistoric cave art paintings and the credits before the patronising and pretentious female voice over commences [as this IS about prehistoric feminism - remember before Germaine Greer the world had... Ayla]:

"Long ago, in the age of the Great Ice Mountains, the first of our people followed the herds of game into new land. There was a girl-child among them, and she was called Ayla. The legends still speak of her."

The film then cuts to the obligatory "primeval forest" shot with a remarkably clean little blond girl with nicely braided hair and sewn well fitting custom tailored clothes [just like real cave people]. She is blissfully frolicking with a fawn for a second when suddenly she is startled by some perfectly round falling rocks [which was the day Harvey and Lederer were off-set because the cameraman David Crone starts shaking the camera like a kid pretending there was an earthquake on his home video]. The young Ayla grunt-screams, and reveals a perfect set of clean, even teeth. Her mother, with complementing braided hair and fashioning that season's body hugging deerskin pantsuit fully accessorised with bear fur leggings and haute couture moccasins by Manimals, runs to her along a river bed. Ayla continues screaming whilst running to her mother and looks up and behind, we then see a single fir pine tree falling at the base [all the others are ok] which lands nowhere near Ayla.

Unfortunately by this time the ground has split apart and separates them [so it was an earthquake] resulting in mum stumbling and falling into a watery crevasse [I exaggerate its more like a 2-foot trench about three feet deep filled with water] over the space of thirty seconds from being half out of the crevasse clinging on the edge she somehow feebly slips into the water and somehow drowns [or something?], at this point the earthquake miraculously stops leaving the sobbing Ayla an orphan in a primitive land [of course nothing about her father who is possibly alive, but this is a feminist film novel one can only assume that Ayla's mother was a single working mum with no need for a man].

After the disaster is over [the earthquake of course], we get an side pan flying shot of the surface of an ice floe and as a vaguely reggae beat plays, we see a tribe of 18 navigating the ice. The narrator [female], introduces these spear carriers

"Before our people came this had been the land of the Old Ones. The Clan of the Cave Bear. [dun dun duh!] When the earth shook, they had lost their home...many had died....".

Here we meet Auel's motley Cast of Characters: Brun the tribes leader; Broud his son, the heir apparent; Creb, a scarred, half-crippled old man - the Clan "Mog-ur" or clan holyman if you will; Iza sister of Creb, the Medicine Woman [Dr. Quinn].

"...but Brun the leader still had with him Broud, the son of his mate who would be leader after him. The came Creb; the great Mog-Ur; the crippled holyman and Iza his sister the medicine woman. Without a cave [to call their own] they were weak, for the "Wind Spirits" will soon bring the snows..and snow would bring death". [Did I say condescending narrative?]

The next scene we see the young Ayla wandering around and in an overhead shot we briefly see a crow; suddenly a [juvenile male African] lion meekly pops out and growls, Ayla looks back, screams and tap dances for a couple of seconds before turning to run. We then have an edge of the seat spine tingling chase where the young Ayla runs into a small fissure as the lion gently lopes after her. After half-hearted couple of seconds attempt to literally dig her out of the crevice, the lion pisses off [we all breathe a sigh of relief] and Ayla slumps down to sit, but suddenly in a "cheap scare" twist; the lion re-appears, pokes his head in the crack, puts on a fake looking "lion mitt", and leaks stage blood across a sitting Aylas legs in three straight lines [lions forepads have four claws and a dew claw but anyway we gain a valuable lesson taught: any moment in this primitive, savage world can bring a sudden, horrible death].

The next scene shows a shot of the mountain leading down to a riverbed with some logs with little Ayla stumbling around some flowing water surprisingly Aylas hair is still braided but shes lost her jacket and is topless. We then see her left leg is cut up and infected but strangely the other leg which was mauled by the lion is unscathed [of course why she didn't just die in the crevice by bleeding out after her legs were ripped to shreds was never explained either]. Ayla then stumbles on a pebble and falls down we then get a dramatic shot of a crow flying overhead which must be "symbolic" [fade to white].

The Cave Bear Clan is then seen approaching and the camera pans down to a Ayla lying unconscious nearby on the riverbed as the Clan walk by. [A little farther away, I lay unconscious on my sofa. Golly gosh, will they see her?] The crow flutters on the ground cawing around Ayla and gets the attention of Iza who turns her over [oh, great, its not just "symbolic", its going to be Aylas spirit guide or some such crap]. Ayla yawns, wakes up and grunts "Ama" before she starts shivering. Iza appears to want to keep the child and says by tapping her chest she's still alive, Brun having noticed this and walked over in sign language and grunts explains to Iza she's not one of the Clan but one of..."The Others" and to leave her [I'm with Brun on this one]. Ayla comatose in a touching scene [like when you touch the back of your throat to induce vomiting] then grabs Iza's middle finger, Iza looks at Brun who at this point looks like he's going to shit his pants laughing before turning around and saying "Aka Aka". The rest of the tribe walk off, and Creb comes hobbling up. Creb tell Iza look at her leg its been clawed by a lion [amazingly now there are four claw marks] and asks "Iza why do you take her" in Mog-ur/Medicine Woman banter, and Iza explains that she will adopt Ayla because it is the will of the crows, who are her [Iza's] "spirits".

In the next scene Iza puts a dressing on Aylas wounded leg. The narrator then explains

"The child that Iza nursed was one of us, the new people, the first the Clan of the Cave Bear had ever seen, she was proof of the tale that they had long heard of "The Others", the strange ones who threatened the world that had always been theirs. At sunset they called to the spirits to help them for they were afraid." [Its the whole "Neanderthal/Cro-Magnon" thing. I get it already!]

As this is going on you see one of the tribe probably Brun circling around his head a stick which is making a sound [a bullroarer]. Later, Creb sits in front of a campfire with Ayla and Iza. Brun and Broud stand nearby with the rest of the tribe, watching. Using the tribes sign-language Creb attempts to communicate with Ayla but as Iza points out, she doesnt understand him. Then they do the usual pointing while naming themselves thing, and the linguistics genius Ayla immediately catches on. Ayla then runs her hands over Crebs clawed face, and Creb seeming to have forgotten he had this wound touches it himself. Having impressed the tribe with this, Brun calls Creb and they all leave her by the fire. Broud is the only one left and he comes over and pokes her about twenty times with a stick, I guess to see if shes "magical". Iza then comes over and tell Broud to get lost before sitting by Ayla who then falls asleep as Iza strokes her hair.

The film then cuts to the Clan roaming again, we see them coming out of the valley into some plains with the mountains behind them; the narrator informs us:

"As the days passed and still they had not found a cave. Many in the Clan were sure that some dark spirit and put the child Ayla in their path she was of the others and should have been left to die that was what the memories told them. It was the memories that rule the clan the ancient knowledge that each was born with the voices of the past that could not be disobeyed or changed [Much like the Borg]. Ayla did not have their memories. Iza knew the clan would not keep the child much longer."

[The Clan superstitiously blaming Ayla for their inability to find a new cave might have more to do with them wandering around the grassland instead of in the mountains, where caves are more plentiful, the old "rules that cave people must live by and never violate" referred to as The Memories are rigid strictures that keep the tribe in a rut, waiting for some adventurous soul to break the rules and show them a better way - who will that be?].

We see Brun stooping down and rubbing some dry dirt in his hands before smelling and tasting it and saying: "This place is not in our memories, No clan has been here" [A fact that if this were true they would all know already]. The scene then cuts to Iza getting Ayla to feel her pregnant belly and learning a new word, the inquisitive Ayla then wonders off and picks up one of the old guy's spear. He angrily grabs it back, explaining that "women must never touch weapons" [wow sexism rears its Neolithic head - "historical evidence" that cavemen tried to "repress" cavewomen by refusing them access to weapons can be found only in Auel's book].

Now that the spear has cooties on it, the guy angrily breaks it over his knee. Ayla, grieving over the Clans lack of nurturing skills, runs off about 10 meters to have a little cry. The now pregnant Iza [remember, this is an "epic", so it jumps around a lot, following the characters over a long period of time] starts to follow her calling her name, but excitedly turns and gets Brun. She gets his attention by kneeling by his side in submission and shuffling at his feet before he acknowledges her [just to emphasise the sexism in Neanderthal clans just in case you forgot].

Iza does some frantic signing we get some shots of the male clan members watching them and as we return to Aylas side, Ayla points past the camera and we see that a cave lies ahead [how anyone missed it is beyond reasoning] we then get a extended zoom in just in case the audience missed it. Ayla has lead them to a new home [wow!].

A torch is lit out of finely machine made wood shavings in a hollow log reminiscent of the caveman olympics and the men of the Clan begin to investigate the cave. Creb finds a bone, but as its ancient it shatters in his grasp and this results in a flock of pigeons to erupt from the cave depths and fly off, like some prehistoric magic act. [Maybe this is the cave of the ancient "Zog Copperfield"]. As the birds are flying out the men left outside began to futily stab at them with their spears. Coming back outside, Creb reveals his findings: an old Cave Bear skull. They all start screaming "ura" or is it "hurrah?" we see Ayla standing in the background alone as the Clan are clawing to touch the bear skull since presumably this is the Clans mascot [hence the name], its taken for a good omen. Since Ayla found the cave, Brun brings the skull over so she can take a gander at it. She pets it we then get a shot of Broud looking puzzled.

Narrator: "For many seasons the clan lived in this new cave and Ayla was allowed to stay among them. Iza and Creb protected her and raised her with Iza's own daughter Uba [last name Chuka - original names hey] Ayla tried to be a child of the clan but she knew to Broud and many others she was still a threat to the clan's unchanging ways. Even the spirits have no place for her."

During the narration we see a young Broud clamber up a hill towards the camera before taking a drink from a stream, then we see him watching Ayla climb up the hill along the same stream, she looks back. We then cut to Ayla in the cave. Iza tell Ayla to serve the meat which is skewered on Antlers. She goes to this but one of the other Clan men grabs a piece off. At this point Broud calls Ayla, and she approaches him and kneels down you don't see her face as its covered by her hair. Broud gets pissed and grabs her head and turns it towards him and in a dramatic hair parting moment, and we see the face of not Daryl Hannah. [Instead, its Ayla #2, the attractive teen Ayla version played by Nicole Eggert. I appears the filmmakers believed we would all get excited in anticipation undoubtedly crying "Hey, look its Daryl Hannah!! Oh, boy!!" in a Quantum Leap-esque manner and then, ha ha, it's not! Golly, well just have to wait, I wager. Of course Daryl Hannah is an attractive woman, but I doubt she really has the type or number of fans that requires this kind of an entrance? Presumably she's that big that they thought that toying with the audiences expectations of her onscreen arrival would whip us into a frenzy? Apparently so].

Anyway Broud clearly not the sensitive metrosexual man of the modern era tells her "That is not the Clan's way" and tells her "I will be leader serve me first". Broud is, of course, threatened by the intelligent, bold and progressive Ayla, both as a woman and an outsider to the Clan all while lusting after her "beauty", a problem I'm sure all feminists have to deal with. It suggests if Ayla were with her own people, the progressive Cro-Magnons, she would be free of this sexism. Interestingly modern man is more advanced than the Cro-Magnon yet how did we reacquire the primitive attitudes of the Neanderthal? Does the film contend that the Cro-Magnons were more advanced than we are? In addition doesn't the fact that Ayla is victimized by people that the film explicitly acknowledges are genetically inferior [in the Aryan Nazi theme perspective] sort of muddy the waters?

Broud then goes to backhand Ayla across the face but Creb jumps in and reiterates what was said but adds "move fast...understand?" Broud grabs the meat off the antler and Creb tells Ayla to go away. In the meantime Broud has some sort of psycho stare going on at Creb [I swear he's taken tips from that Klingon Gowron]. We then see Iza comforting the tearful Ayla, before Creb comes back. Ayla asks "Are you angry?" Creb explains that he yelled at her because she "sits at his fire", and her learning of tribal law is his responsibility. "Iza hurries, Uba hurries, Ayla goes slow". "But are you angry?" she asks again. "Never", replies Creb and Ayla reassured, smiles widely, and hugs Creb in a warm, tender caveman moment. [Bear with me, I've got some dust in my eyes].

The scene then cuts to a "Day in the Life" of Iza, Uba and Ayla confined to boring "women's work". While the lads practice their spear thrusting. In the cave, Creb appears to be the Clans accountant, no really. He's using rocks and bone on a piece of fur to conduct some mathematical operation. Ayla, of course is eager to learn and asks Creb "Will you teach me?" Creb has a sneaky look around before introducing Ayla to cave maths by pinching Ayla's ears and nose whilst saying "Dom, Brakra, Chiya" and each time increasing his finger count. Apparently the Clan can only count to three according to Creb, he then shows that he can count to five, because thats how many fingers he has on his "counting" hand making him the most advanced mathematician in the Clan as the others apparently don't understand this. Ayla then counts to five on one hand saying "sha", Creb puts down another five stones and Ayla grabs them both instantly astounding Creb by using both her hands [I'm assuming Creb's right arm was crippled so he was kind of handicapped to begin with], and saying "naf sha" thus doubling the complexity of the Clans math skills instantaneously. Then Ayla pours the rest of the stones out of the bowl and immediately comes up with the idea of multiplication counting up to twenty! Creb is awed and frightened by this intuitive leap warns her not to show this off to the rest of the Clan, who aren't as open-minded as he is. Only they will know although a camera cut shows Iza standing about three feet away from them. Creb obviously parched from taxing his brain and maths skills beyond capacity asks Ayla to get some water. Iza then demands that Creb find Ayla a spirit guide.

The next scene shows Creb in his official capacity as the Mog-ur wandering the land:

The narrator goes on to needlessly explain:

"Iza was afraid, she knew that Broud would soon be made a hunter of the clan [The Neanderthal version of becoming a "Made Man"] and Ayla would not be safe [of course she could just invent one]. She did not have an animal totem to protect her as all Clan people did and only Creb the Mogur knew the magic to find her one, but as he climbed the mountain he was not sure the spirits would grant her a protector - to this child of the others" [Apparently, possession of an animal totem confers political rights].

A clichéd montage reveals Creb pursuing this spiritual quest sitting on the edge of a cliff. Finally, he snaps out of a trance to find [a familiar] lion has approached him. Significantly [well, not really, but you know], it looks to be the same lion that mauled the young Ayla and we know this because of the crappy flashbacks using the old footage from the start of the film and we're not even 30 minutes in. Creb at this point bricking his pants shuts his eyes [grunting there's no place like home, there's no place like home], snaps out of the trance proper to find the lion gone. Clearly this sort of ritual is akin to the ritual of certain Native American tribes would use to find spirit guides and sends out a pseudo Nazi themed image which I'm sure Ms. Auel in no way intended [lets be fair she did] for if the swarthy, backward Neanderthals are associated with Native Americans, than the pale, Nordic Cro-Magnons would represent the white Europeans who came and replaced them as the Cro-Magnons replaced the inferior Neanderthals. Again, I'm sure the filmmakers would have a stroke upon hearing such an interpretation, but its difficult to read whats on the screen any other way.

The next scene shows the men of the Clan, pretty much wearing just their birthday-suits and adorned with face paint reminiscent of Braveheart, "stalking" a herd of musk oxen. One ox looks skittish. Whether this is because of its imminent death or rather its embarrassing appearance in this movie, we dont know. I say "stalking" because they pretty much walk up to the Oxen out in the open, before the skittish ox gets pissed and start trying to trample them. It gets separated from the herd in a forest, Broud gets its [the ox] attention and it starts chasing him in the woods, the hunters then surround the ox and Brun gives Broud the go ahead to engage in his first kill by giving him the special black spear which he promptly shoves up the ox's ass. This rite of passage completed, we cut to a celebration back at the cave. The celebration is interrupted when Creb, dressed in the skins of a Cave Bear with a rather fetching grey chinese beard, enacts a sacred [if goofy] ceremony by saying "Broud has killed the Great Musk Ox" he then pours stage blood onto Broud's right nipple using a bear claw and says "Broud is now a hunter of the Clan" [or whatever]. The Clan is shocked, however, when the "Cave Bear" also calls on Ayla. He informs the tribe "The spirits have spoken to me, they call to Ayla, she is given a protector, Ayla's spirit is the Cave Lion". Broud is enraged, because in his words "The Cave Lion is a "mans" spirit - a hunters sign, too strong for a woman" but the Mog-urs word stands.

We then get a Sound of Music montage with Ayla running through the fields and lo and behold a deer pops up along side her [because she's a child of nature etc]. She then calls out her name listening to the echo and starts spinning around in happiness, suddenly in a Wonder Womanesque way she transforms into yes you guessed it Daryl Hannah [wow just wow]. Now am I to presume she span around giggling shouting her name for five years - I guess so. The scene next cuts to the Clan fishing by a river. Broud is standing in the river ineffectively attempting to spear fish, Ayla goes clumsily running around grabbing a huge trout out of the water with her bare hands right from underneath his feet [just to make sure the audience understand the "message" that Broud is so completely ineffectual compared to Ayla, however unlikely that a regular competent hunter would have problems catching food. Its akin to those Sherlock Holmes movies where they make Dr. Watson into a buffoon. If Watson is an idiot, than Holmes showing him up all the time is rather less than evidence of his own brilliance. Also, why must Ayla, supposedly so smart, be so "innocently" unaware of how her effortless success annoys and frightens the others. Hasn't she caught on by now that a little circumspection would buy her some peace? But no, as Broud glowers at his own incompetence, Ayla has to run over and grab a fish right under his feet, laughing with joy at her own perfection. Frankly, most people would probably find her annoying].

One of the other Clan women then comes over and sits by Iza saying "Ayla is so ugly...she'll never have a mate" [I guess the standard to beauty is truly in the Eye of the Beholder, isnt it?]

Then comes the pointless narrative:

"Iza knew one day that she and Creb will be gone, and without them Ayla would be alone [no s*&t Sherlock but what about Uba hey?] and so she taught Ayla the "healing magic", to give her a place in the Clan when that day came" [No doubt Iza explained about bruises, and Ayla instantly came up with the notion of brain surgery, but having so much great footage this got dropped from the final cut].

Creb then comes to Iza with a toothache, they say to him" this medicine will make you brave" as he sits down and has a drink [clearly some sort of alcoholic filth as Creb want to drink it all]. Iza then claps to rocks together in front of his face [no idea - Apparently, they're as advanced on the Dental front as the British]. Creb clearly fearful tries to get away but Ayla instantly invents psychology. "It wont hurt the great Mog-ur," she oozes. Thus placated by the newly discovered art of flattery, Creb holds still. They tie some sort of gut string around the tooth and the other end to a boulder before yanking it out. Iza then looks at the tooth like Gollum looked at his "precious". She then gives Creb the tooth, he just collapses while Ayla has a snigger.

The camera then cuts to outside the cave before back inside to the women of the Clan surrounding Uba, who is giving birth. They have some sort of ritual breath out thing going on [like in all those sitcoms when women are pregnant - huffa puffa huffa puffa] and Uba copping a squat. Whilst boiling the water being heated for the birth [Just how advanced were the Neanderthals, anyway?] Brun gets boiling water spilled on his left leg by a clumsy Clan female. As Iza is busy she motions to Ayla to deal with it, she then goes through Iza's well preserved and stored collection of dried herbs, looking at Iza to make sure she's choosing the right ones and assembles them into a healing paste before going over to Brun and signaling that she will put it on. We then get some head shots between Bruna and Iza nodding etc. After Ayla secures the poultice around the burn with a patch of hide, Brun smiles in instant relief. Brun gently touches Aylas face; he has finally begun to accept Ayla as one of their own, to Broud's dismay. She then returns to the circle of woman, but one of them tells her: "The baby is dead".

The film then progresses onto Iza, Uba and Ayla overlooking a beautiful lake with retreating snowfall on the far shore, the three are piling some stones presumably over the babies body [cairn?]. Uba asks her mother why the baby died, and Iza comforts her by telling her that The Spirits called for the child. Ayla then asks: "Will the Spirits give me a baby?" going with the sign language for baby. Iza then takes her hand and in probably the funniest moment of the whole film shakes her head; Ayla looks downed bummed as Iza explains: " The Lion sign .. is too strong". She then turns away and Uba comforts her [with a smile].

We then see Ayla approaching the lake, as she approaches we see two Clan members across the lake gathering berries from some bushes. The male offers some berries to the female, presumably in a sign of affection. Ayla then looks into the lake water and is suprised to see her reflection [really for the first time in her life apparently]. At this point it seems to dawn on her for the first time in her life that her tall, lithe body, long tanned legs, perfect bone structure, lack of a brow ridge, no facial hair, two eyebrows, blue eyes, flowing blond hair and white even teeth mark her as a hideous freak. Meanwhile our Clan couple across the way are getting rather frisky. Ayla lashes out at the water at her grotesque visage before running away [perhaps she intends to return to her spot in the woods for some therapeutic Ayla shouting and spinning]. As she walks through the woods she comes across a clearing where she spots the Clan men training; curious she hides to observe. Here an elder is teaching them how to use the sling and we see him fire a couple of shots at a large broken tree stump. Broud comes up for his turn and fires his stone which lack lusterly falls near the base of the trunk. Cut back to Ayla having a little snigger. Broud's second turn results in the stone going straight up in the air. The Clan men comically scurry around as the stone shot lands in a puddle. Ayla has another snigger. At this point the elder asks for the sling back from Broud, which he thows on the floor, the elder goes to pick it up and Broud pushes over the aged instructor [we get it! Broud is incompetent and short tempered and will make a bad leader]. Brun calls out Broud and berates him for being a dick. [Considering there is no evidence that leadership of a Neanderthal Clan was a hereditary right. In such a primitive age "the strongest prevails" system is more likely Ms. Auel]. Anyway as the men leave, Ayla sneaks out to where they were training, and lo and behold a pile of stones and a single sling [magically left just for Ayla]. Silvestri cues the mood music just to reinforce the fact that this is her destiny [yeah right] as Ayla picks up the sling and a rock. She then drops the stone and jumps back a little; just to show to the audience she knows that women are forbidden to touch weapons as just in case you hadn't got that the narrator unnecessarily cues in:

"Ayla knew the punishment for a woman who touched a hunting weapon was death".

[A pretty bizarre rule for any tribe. I guess Ms. Auel just wanted to reinforce the negative sexist stereotype of cavemen with no evidence whatsoever - that set against the claims her books are thoroughly researched]. The scene ends here but I think one can safely assume she becomes a sling master within seconds as she's so naturally talented not to mention a feminist in such a sexist world, perhaps even inventing the catapult.

The next scene reverts back to he cave with one of the elders narrating a hunting story, which ends with the approval of the clan cheering. Broud then asks Ayla to get him some food, she goes over to the well stocked pantry of the cave section and grabs him a stone bowl of red paste [pasta sauce?]. However she seems to be distracted by one of the other woman as she brings it to Broud. Broud then says "Ayla"; before viciously backhanding her across the face and she flies to the ground. Broud reminds her "You must learn, Clan women kneel!" [just in case we didn't quite get the sexist rules of the clan and that Broud is a twat.]

Ayla, as proud as she is beautiful, and smart, and physically adept, and so on and so forth, of course stands up to him [literally] as any feminist would. In fact she doesn't just stand up to him, she literally towers over him [Ayla is a good half foot taller than Broud]. As the Clan members gasp at her impertinence, Broud backhands her again. Now if I hadn't been watching 42 and half minutes of cave people, I would have thought this has turned into an Nazi themed S&M film by the name of Ilsa. Broud then right hooks her in the face which knocks her down to the ground. Broud jumps on top of her and begins punching away. The Clan is shocked, Brun runs over and pulls him off her, we get a great shot of Broud gritting his teeth filled with bloodlust. Ayla just turns and sits upright seemingly unscathed by Broud's violent attack. Taking him aside, he tells Broud "you shame the Clan", "you want to be leader Broud but a man who hits his people....can never lead the clan" - apparently it violates the Clans social contract and seems like a rather progressive edict for such a primitive people, especially one that has lays such torturous strictures on its women. I guess the memories say its so, but then surely Broud would know this?

We next see Ayla in a wood clearing gathering herbs etc. Broud manages to sneak up on her quite easily as literally he is standing in front of her before she seems shocked at his appearance. Broud gives the universal sign language for "mating". Ayla seems rather confused and attempts to prostrate herself in front of him. Broud reiterates the universal sign language for "mating". Ayla then goes to his knee, Broud apparently aroused by this turns her round and position her on all fours. He then appears to be undoing her chastity belt. At this moment Ayla chooses to run off, but Broud easily trips her up and drags her kicking back before bending her down on all fours and rapes her [how romantic]. Apparently, you cant hit a woman in the Clan, but you can rape her [Why Ayla, who earlier refused to kneel to Broud, lets him rape her rather than just killing him like we doubt she could, I don't know] . You then see Ayla post coital rape waking up in the same clearing; the sun is setting. Back in the cave a worried Creb notices that Ayla is acting strangely and appears to be having a fitful sleep. We then see Ayla traipse through the wood to her secret hiding place:

The narrator explains as we the audience are too dumb to work it out:

"While gathering 'erbs [herbs I think] for Iza's medicine Ayla had found a small cave in the forest, now she went there whenever she could to escape from Broud and be alone".

She then picks up her sling and goes out into the same place as when the men were training earlier. If you want to get caught and put to death - yup that's the best place to be. She puts the stone into the sling but then has trouble swinging the sling, in fact the stone falls out almost immediately she attempts this several times [remember how she was laughing at Broud; how hypocritical]. She finally stares at the tree trunk, either in fierce determination, or she was trying to squeeze out some trapped gas.

Back in the cave, Broud is sitting on a throne like seat, another woman is snuggling his knee, but apparently he has other ideas as Broud pushes her to one side as he gets up and gives the old universal sign for copulating. [Ok, everybody, do we "get" that Broud is a jerk yet? Dont worry, I'm sure the film will continue to provide evidence of this for anyone who hasn't]. The other Clan members are aware of Ayla's situation as she looks around for help, everyone ignores her existence, only Creb covers his good eye [right one] with his good hand [left one]. [Apparently, the Clan are the direct ancestors of the modern inhabitants of New York City]. Beaten, Ayla assumes the position as one of the Clan females tells a kid to look away. What happens next can be left to your filthy imagination.

We then to cut to an exterior shot with Uba and Ayla, where Uba pathetically tries to comfort Ayla who at this time has allowed her hair to get all ratty so we know she's feeling blue; by pushing her hand against her shoulder and giving a grunt. Then we see a stone plop in the water and as the camera pans up we can see Ayla has gone back to the "training" field to continue her sling training. So now we know why earlier there was no becoming a sling expert montage scene its so that we could see it later, thats why. Its true, you just cant escape an obvious, clichéd scene like this moreover apparently Broud raping her was the motivating factor so in a way she would never had become a sling master without Broud - the irony. Anyway she slowly gets better with every passing shot until she hits the stump and actually goes "Yeah!" pumping her fist [seriously ]. Movie cuts to Ayla knocking the top rock off a pile of rocks probably to say yeah "she's a master now look at her accuracy". Awful films are like Greek Tragedy in a way: You can never escape your horrible, preordained fate. The fact that we see Ayla gradually get better with the sling instead of mastering it in like a minute (like everything else) is the movies greatest success at "reality". Not that thats saying much. Still, she does eventually become, as might be expected, quite the "whiz".

Back in the cave the women are eating around the fire, Iza notices that Ayla isn't eating, she refuses the bowl of paste that Iza offers instead rubbing her stomach. Another cave woman [Ubu?] pushes a bowl of food into her chest at which point Ayla, jumps back rubbing her breast to say they're sore. Iza, because shes a medicine woman, feels her breast then her belly then looks at Ayla as if to say she instantly understands what's happening. The audience, as were not total idiots, understands what's happening too. Ayla is: up the duff, on stork watch, with a bun in the oven, knocked up, in the pudding club, wearing her apron high, Keith Cheggers or preggers. The child one would assume will be stillborn or aborted to flesh out Ms. Auel's protagonist and give her emotional depth as well as unencumbered. Ayla at this point is overjoyed hugging Ubu then Iza, Silvestri puts on his version of baby music and of course Ayla fails to realise that the feminist politics will not allow her to have or keep a child, because thats so, well, bourgeois and everything and Ayla wasnt made so advanced and gifted by her creators to just become something as unfulfilling as a, you know, mother [ewww!]. Why, she might as well *shudder* get married to a man!

We then see Ayla and Ubu collecting firewood and piling it onto a hide stretcher no doubt invented by Ayla. At this point they are walking away, then Ubu and Ayla are talking "narbe", there are no subtitles shock horror! Ayla then hugs Uba [what the hell was all that about?].

Back in the cave Ayla and Ubu arrive back with the wood. Broud gets up from his fire and hears them so as per usual demands sex. Ayla gets on all fours and Broud assumes the position and begins thrusting but wait something is amiss! It turns out Broud is unable to perform in front of the Clan. [Why, he's not just dumb, mean, stupid, venal, clumsy and a poor hunter, but he's impotent too! Ha ha, what a loser, right? OK, now does everybody get that were not supposed to like this guy?] Ayla begins to laugh, the other women begin to snigger as Broud tries to pump harder - shall we say, eventually he gives up throws a hissy fit and walks out of the cave. One of the other women picks up a stick and just in case we have some people who are brain dead [which most likely most people were by watching this film this far] and makes a "pfffting" collapsing sound as the stick goes from pointing up to pointing down.

The next scene abruptly cuts in with a side shot slowly zooming in of the Clan walking along a river bank, the roaring water pounding annoyingly in your ears after the fairly quiet scene before. We then cut to a close up followed by the clan in the woods. It appears the Clan are on a teddy bear's picnic enjoying the overcast grey weather and have decided to take one small feeble boy with them [who's about Ayla's age when her mother died]. The clan are camped out under a redwood and have set a fire; we see this from the perspective of some stalker behind a fern frond as it moves up and down, ducking as the men walk away from the main party. Clearly not cut out for he whole Darwinist "survival of the fittest" thing, the young Clan boy dressed in grey wolf pelts wanders off alone into the surrounding woods. We then suddenly see half the face of a white wolf growling quite loudly. Then we see more wolves and the child walking through the woods, in the background Silvestri has adapted the JAWS "dun duh, dun duh, dun duh", theme, as the wolves begin to stalk her [I wonder what will happen? Perhaps Ayla will be "forced" by fate to reveal a secret talent hmmmm - save the boy you must]. Suddenly the white wolf growls and the Clan men hearing this fan out. The women get up and we can see Ayla is heavily pregnant as she winces as she gets up. One of the Clan women starts to shout "Breck" - the name of the little boy I guess. Breck is snatched in the jaws of the white wolf and screams, Ayla turns around and see the white wolf trotting away with what can only be described as a hilariously fake looking dummy in its jaws. Ayla gets a "cool" slow-motion shot of her reacting and unfurling her sling before we see a closeup of Breck hamming the scream acting with blood where the wolf has bitten. Ayla powers up her sling and fires, we hear a weak wolf yelp and the screaming stops. Ayla runs to the boy who is wimpering, beside him is a dead white wolf. The clan all turn up, and finally Iza appears. Ayla sling still in hand, slowly turns her head in realisation she has made a pretty bad faux-pas. Ayla tries to give the sling back to Brun by dropping it at his feet.

Next we see a pan through of all the male Clan members on top of a hill. There are large animal bones around, and Ayla is displaying her prowess to the Clan males who look uneasy. She loads her sling and fires an impossible shot, knocking off part of an antler in a display of unbelievable accuracy. The Male Clan members look on dumbfounded. She has a little selfish smirk to herself before looking all sorry and down at her feet as she turns towards them. Even Creb seems unimpressed with her actions. [Now we understand the rationale behind the rule about women not touching weapons: Women are so much better at it that all the men would become impotent, just like Broud - Ill bet a lot of "feminist theorists" would buy that theory].

We cut to the fire and Ayla get her shawl ceremoniously burnt Creb doing a lot of shaman things and locks a bone into the bear skull with a nice "click":

the narrator goes on [yawn] to explain:

"Ayla had used the sling, and the Memories said she should be cursed with a Silent Death forever, but because she had saved the child Brack she would only be sent away for one turning of the moon, In all the memories no-one had returned from the land of the dead and Ayla was a woman carrying a child..to the clan she was now a spirit, even to look at her would bring evil among them."

Certainly, the audience can attest that looking upon her has brought Boredom among us. Broud then is the first to leave, and the rest of the can follows. Ayla does the usual please someone won't you acknowledge me search. At this point desperate she says "Uba, Uba seeye", which I can only presume could mean "Uba see me" as at this point even the subtitles have given up the ghost. Having failed to persuade Uba she tries with Iza but even that fails. She tries with Brun crossing her hands and bowing her head and then lastly the same with Creb the cripple shuffling painfully slowly but they all refuse to look, proving that perhaps the Neanderthals were smarter than we thought. As no-one has returned from the land of the dead and Ayla is encumbered one would presume she dies out there, then hey film over roll credits! Creb exits through the cave hide door, as Ayla weeps the ominous sound of thunder echoes.

The next moment Ayla is seen stumbling at night through a dark forest during a raging storm. Apparently, the director couldnt wait for the "ordeal" part to begin: for me, the ordeal part began about an hour ago. Ayla takes refuge in her secret cave, but strangely doesnt light a fire, as they dont want to give the audience the idea that the exile is a cakewalk or anything. Certainly, we cant be expected to believe that the Clan has mastered fire and that Ayla hasnt, can we? Meanwhile the montage continues with Creb, Iza and Uba mourning Ayla back in the main cave, next we see Ayla trying to light a fire the day after the storm, she eventually does it. This is followed by Ayla copping a squat over some rocks [so the baby lands on something hard] and giving birth, with the usual huffing and puffing and the screaming - oh joy the screaming!

Cut to a rock with some paintings Ayla has done outside, then back to her looking lovingly at her new baby. Ayla is then seen gathering wood from the forest [but where's the baby - home alone I'll wager - how irresponsible!]. Using her illegal sling she kills a poor defenseless rodent possibly a vole or shrew [one hopes she'll give that up when she returns to the Clan]. What baffles me is that fact previously deer ran up to her, and fish swam into her hands, she really shouldn't have a problem finding food. Ayla is then back in the cave in front of the fire easting said rodent while the baby cries "wah! wah!" [yeah I got it babies cry!]. She is then notching the days using a sharp rock into a stick. Of course she could mark her exile by looking at the sky and waiting for the next new moon, but that would be far too easy. Instead she's invented a calender [probably blowing off steam by using technology that most of the Clan couldnt understand - "Stupid Clan. Their kind wont even be around soon. Thatll show em"]. As Ayla is notching her stick we cut back to Creb who is doing the same thing; obviously taught by Ayla. Next the film cuts back to Ayla, collecting wood in a freak snow storm just because we miss being reminded how tough she really is. In fact it snows so hard her cave entrance is blocked and she has to dig her way out [obviously it never occurred to her to try and keep the entrance clear, instead of having to dig her self out.]. After she does this she then blows on her hands and rubs them just to indicate to us that she's cold, then goes "oh yes the baby" in which she proceeds to rub the baby [wouldn't it be better to keep the baby close to you to keep it warm?]. Ayla is then shown wrapped in fur pelts and sporting some form fitting fur trousers [obviously she managed to kill a lot of animals in a month and perfected sew craft] completing the ensemble with a hood trying to walk through a blizzard at night with her baby swathed in a fur bundle [why not wait until the storm passes]. Now we're back in the Clan's cave and the Clan members are sitting around the fires biding their time, when the hide pelt they use as a door rips open. Brun goes to re-affix the door to the entrance of the cave when lo and behold to their amazement someone wanders in from the storm, the figure flips back the hood to reveal herself - its an exhausted Ayla. Creb and Ubu and Iza are all overjoyed and crowd around her, Broud looks pissed and the audience weeps with happiness - wait - sorry, that doesnt happen for another thirty minutes, when the credits roll. Ayla reveals she has a baby and passes it to Ubu, we then see Broud scream "neh" which I guess mean no - of course no subtitles at all. Why Broud gets even more pissed off when her kid is revealed is unknown; after all, it must be his.

Cut to Ayla's baby by the fire all happily asleep, then we see its Broud looking at it. He then starts a movement to try and have the baby offed by saying to Ayla: "The child must die" [subtitles are back!]. Another guy says: "it will be a burden", another "no-one will hunt for it, Ayla has no mate" [were the Neanderthals monogamous?] Ayla argues "if the child is to die, I want to die with it.". Surely wish granted for Broud at this point! However Creb intervenes at this point and says: "Brun I wish to ask you for the life of Ayla and the Child" [you know this Neanderthal language is quicker than ours Creb said that in a grunt and wave] "who has hunted for the child until now, I was deformed ... The Clan called me a burden, they called me a woman [seriously are you joking!? This seems like less than a brilliant strategy, as you would think it would remind the Clan why Ayla was exiled in the first place. Or, now that her punishment is over, does she officially get to hunt?] .....But now I am the great Mog-ur ... Did I deserve to live? Do Ayla and the Child deserve to live any less? [in an emotional tour-de-force, Creb reveals] ....I love Ayla .. she is the child...I could never have." thus endeth the longest monologue in the whole film.

Unable to stand up to this emotive barrage, the Clan in some sort of council meeting and demonstrating their passion for democracy decides not only officially gives her and the kid Clan status, but even gives her a waiver on the whole "no women hunters" thing. We see Creb again pricking Ayla just in that "V" hollow where the collar bones meet at the base of the neck and fake blood oozes out she is then given a necklace with a bears claw. She is now a "made woman" or huntress if you will.

In case you didn't get that the narrator kicks in:

"Ayla and the child were spared, Ayla was to be a woman of the clan in all ways but one... from that day on she was the woman who hunts" [you can hear the smugness of the narrators voice as she says that]

The other women especially Iza look pleased and amazed as this is announced. Then, because his reaction is so unexpected, the filmmakers let us see that Broud is angered by this turn of events by ripping off his own hunter's necklace. Brun tells Broud to zip it. Ayla's baby is then given a Simba red paste marking on the forehead

narrator goes on to say:

"and Creb called the child Durc, and the clan accepted him, for as time passed they saw he had the memories and knew the clan way." Time passes by and Durc is now four [the same age as Ayla when we first saw her] he wanders amongst a tribe and picks up a spear [lucky he's not a girl] and hes playing "hunter" with one of the hunters. Apparently the tribe can tell if he has the mystic memories.

narrator continues:

"In Durc's fourth summer, a call came for a gathering of all the clans, many of the young men had become hunters and the leaders were growing old.. it was time for the change" [and from what women tell me, it cant be pleasant]. So now we know the Clans have a higher political structure, occasionally meeting in a voting body to choose new leaders - remarkably sophisticated for Neanderthals: the Cro-magnons probably have a ballot system, primaries and an electoral system.



We then see Ayla sit alongside Iza whose hair is now suddenly blonde instead of white. In the backdrop there are the lake and the mountain. Iza is wearing the kind of "old age" makeup back in the old 60's TV shows, passes on the family medicine bowl [a tortoise shell] to Ayla saying: "This medicine bowl was my mother's" presumably she adds and hers before that etc etc. as Iza gesticulated behind her " ... and now it is yours" [no offense but don't you have a daughter Uba?] Presumably aware of the non-effectiveness of her makeup, Iza then vocally states for our benefit that, "I am old." Oh, now I get it! [Kudos to Frank Carrisosa, Michael Mills, Michele Burke and Michael Westmore]

In fact Iza goes on to say "I am too old to make the journey to the Clan Gathering meeting... Broud is still angry he will hurt you...Go to the gathering as the medicine woman...You have to find a mate" [Although apparently Ayla's so ugly the odds seem pretty slim, and if Iza means a mate from another Clan, wouldn't Ayla have to relocate? Wouldnt the Clan then be bereft of a Medicine Woman? It seems unlikely it would be the other way around given the overtly sexist patriarchal system of the Clans.]

Ayla cries: "I don't want to leave you" Iza points to her nose which translates as "You must go".

and just to make sure the point is clear, Iza lets out a good chesty coughing fit whereby Ayla hugs her, we then see Iza give a wry smile as she pats Ayla's back [the crafty crone],

Another beautiful valley shot ensues with the Clan going to this shindig wandering towards the camera along a grassy hill [oh wait did we miss Iza dying?]. We see Creb making the journey and Ayla carrying Durc.

Narrator interjects:

"The scattered clans trekked to the great gathering, it would be a time for trading, for choosing new leaders, for finding mates, and Ayla will be the medicine woman of the Clan of the Cave Bear."

They eventually get to this gathering which is riverside campsite, and yes there are tents which is a bit strange because if Neanderthals can make hide tents why live in caves? Silvestri decides a edgy thumping techno beat is most suitable for the accompanying music as the Clan enters the camp. Ayla feeling a bit scared as some folks have gathered looking at her because of her ugly features and blonde golden hair, she hugs Durc tighter. Some of the women have their breasts exposed, but I guess the film is asserting the "National Geographic" rule. Two members of another clan go up and touch her hair before walking away. Some other Mog-ur guy with a painted face and bear head skin hat comments to Creb and Brun "She is one of the others" because clearly we couldn't tell "she cannot stay".. Creb says "I say she is Clan".

Meanwhile, Ayla and Ubu check out some guys engaging in pre-Greco-Roman wrestling. The ablest fellow is distracted and looks upon Ayla with lust in his eyes [It must be Love, Love, Love ... nothing more nothing less love is the best.....] before he is taken down from behind by one of the other guys before being pinned down and carried away. Ayla splits, the dude chases after her. They reach a hillock and Ayla and Uba bow down before him. He strokes her hair with the back of his hand, she stands up. He introduces himself by saying "Brug" , she replies by saying Ayla and Durc. At this point Uba gets a bit excited and says her name twice! Brug then somehow silently says via subtitles "your eyes are blue like mine" closeup on Brug's eyes [which means he must have some Cro-Magnon in him apparently]. Wow, theyre the perfect couple and he even doesnt even seem put off by the fact that Ayla's a single mother. However, things instantly turn ugly with the arrival of Creb whereby he asks "Give me Iza's bowl - the Mog-urs say you are of the Others, you will anger the spirits" Inventing yet another cliché, Ayla turns in her bowl and reaches into her fur fannypack, she sadly obeys.

Next we see a classic Michael Bay shot of a tribesman whirring a bullroarer around his head, with the red sunset in the background giving a chiaro scuro effect.

Narrator explains:

"The spirits were called to the sacred Ceremony of the Bear [or is that the "Sacred Ceremony of the Bear"?] Broud and the other young hunters were ready, if they survived the bear spirit would carry their names to the sky and they would be the new leaders".

This involves the potential leaders to be standing outside a bears cave. If they survive the flushed bears attack, they are anointed clan leaders. [The films best performance, the bear is played by Bart the Bear an old Hollywood pro, starring in such other (and better) flicks as The Bear, Legends of the Fall and The Edge. Im sure he leaves this appearance off his resume, although he easily outshines anyone else in the cast].

The leader candidates rush in and jab the bear with their flame hardened wooden spears as Bart rears up and roars, which don't seem to do anything but piss the bear off. One of them gets mauled and Bart decides to chew his arm off, chew not rip or chomp but chew slowly. Ayla seeing this rushes in and and applies a tourniquet [another of her inventions no doubt]. However Bart is pissed and she is the way of his chew toy. At this point Ayla stands up and the Bart reared up on his hind legs are having a stand off as Ayla stares down Bart. As the bear slowly waddles towards Ayla, Brug the "Blue Eyed" rushes in with a wee bone knife and manfully grapples with the bear in order to save her. Unsurprisingly this proves less than effective and as a reward for his selfless heroism, albeit idiotic heroism, Bart slowly mauls him on the ground before biting his head off. Seemingly Ayla appears to feel that Brug can escape a horrible fate its not until his head rolls from the bear's jaws does she realise.... well he can't. Broud in an utter plot contrivance becomes a brave and powerful warrior jumping on the bear's back [bareback?] and begins to repeatedly stab Bart in the neck. Somehow Broud gets the bear on his back and finishes him off with a couple of deft stabs. Meanwhile Ayla has gone back into the crowd and was hugging Uba at the loss of Brug when she looks up to see Super-Neanderthal Broud as apposed to Broud the inept and cruel fifth Marx brother finish off the bear. He then raises up his arms and look around his gaze stopping on Ayla who lowers her head. There then is some seriously stupid "native" party/ceremony where everyone is painted up, the women are barebreasted [apart from Ayla who is wearing makeup "mask" in homage to Bo Derek at the end of Tarzan, the Ape Man although as mentioned Hannahs not naked with her nipples painted green] and people are drinking hooch from a giant clam shell chanting "hoocha" with some maracas playing in the background, and beating the dusty ground with a brush? This goes back and forth and one of them in particular is going nuts beating the ground. Ayla at this point is rather drunk and hears a man's voice calling her "Ayla, Ayla....." like some spooky ghost..... Ayla by this time is wasted and stumbles into another cave section where she sees the Mog-urs around a fire in another ceremony.

Narrator:

"With the Mog-urs strongest magic, Creb reached out to Ayla [ahh so that voice *was* Creb], the same image filled their minds".

The room is suddenly filled with billowing smoke and

Narrator:

"She saw two animals walking from the smoke of the sacred fire, the Great cave Bear and her own Lion Spirit... then she saw Durc, the animals turned and before the magic was gone she saw that the lion walked alone. [Hmmm, I wonder what this can mean?] Ayla felt the lion's strength, she knew like him she must find her destiny on her own, but she could not take the Lion's path while Durc was still so young he would not survive the journey [how considerate] she would wait for a sign from the spirits ".

During this we see Ayla and the tribe make their way back to their cave home by the lake. Ayla must seek her destiny and any sequels alone. Since Durc is too young to tread the Lions path, Ayla will "wait for a sign from the Spirits." Actually, remember that vision you just had? The one where Durc went off with the Cave Bear, and left The Lion alone. Jeepers, what could all that subtle symbolism mean? [I will ask Prof. Langdon a symbologist]

Back in the cave Iza, still geezering around, warns Ayla "The spirits call me, you are not safe here, I know now you will never be Clan, You must go and find the Others" Ayla says she won't leave Iza, Iza insists that she must. After another coughing fit Iza sends away Uba [her real daughter] Ayla then hugs Iza.

Iza: "The spirits are close..Ayla you are my spirit child...Now I live in your memories"

Ayla hugs Iza once more and Iza strokes Ayla's hair, Silvestri cues in with a "magical theme" and I swear Iza whispers "sleep", before she kicks the bucket. At this point Iza looks remakebly like a relative of Master Yoda in Episode VI whereby her makeup is a mixture of papier mache and wood glue. The Clan is soon heaping flowers on the revered Izas body which is painted ochre. Ayla is sobbing away, and with her "mother" dead Ayla only has Creb, who we cut to after the funeral sitting together with her head resting in his lap and frankly he's not long for this movie.

The next scene is outside we find Brun walking up to Creb sitting by himself. He informs Creb that the next morning hell name Broud the new leader. "The spirits seem far away...I fear for the Clan" Brun says. Creb then stares at Brun for about ten seconds before slowly from the bottom of the screen you see Creb give Brun the thumbs up [in fact the film is almost worth watching for this bit] Brun then copies Creb and the put their two thumbs together as the camera pans over them in "thumb" scene not seen since Megaforce.

We the see the Cave Bear hide helm with the chinese whiskers lower onto a Clan male's head - Creb is making Goov the new Mog-Ur, Creb then goes to sit next to Ayla in the background "sad" music is playing, following this we see the change in leadership ceremony between Brun and Broud where Goov takes the "ruling" necklace of Brun and gives it to Broud. Broud's first order of the day is a double whammy is to announce:

"Ayla has no mate, I will take her to my hearth.. but Ayla will hunt no more"

So after disempowering Ayla, as she picks up Durc he tells her that the kid will be raised at Vorn's hearth not their's. Everyone looks shocked, but honestly as a tool of revenge in a custody thing as they all live in the same cave it seems rather less than effective means of revenge [but hey Broud I guess was never that clever]. At this point most of the tribe are looking rather uneasy about the whole things as Durc is crying "mamma" as he is given unwillingly to Uba who I guess is Vorn's mate. Ayla then says something to Creb who makes a sign like a sailing boat? Broud sees this and decides Ayla and Creb must not see each other again: "Creb must leave the cave: Goov is Mog-Ur" essentially consigning the old cripple to death just to prove he is the biggest twat, lucky for him he had that amazing moment back at the Bear ceremony otherwise the Clan would still be laughing at him. Creb says "Brun you are leader I obey". At this point Ayla [its obvious where this is going] says to Broud that Creb cannot leave without a fire he will die; I am the medicine woman. Broud decides to say "I curse Ayla with death......FOREVER" [scary] consign Ayla to death i.e. banish her from the tribe permanently: why can't they just say banish or exile?

Cut to outside during the day, Goov presumably clicks the bone in the bear's skull. Ayla is standing opposite the rest of the tribe who at this point the women are lamenting. Broud says to Creb "obey me, go". Creb hobbles up to Broud and stares at him, Broud screeches "Ka" several times. When Creb seemingly just stands there Broud, grabs a spear and starts pushing and beating the old man with a spear. The Clan is aghast, meanwhile Ayla [who has nothing to lose] loads her sling and in the impossible of impossible super-shots that Deadeye, Bullseye or the archer couldn't even pull off with a sling and odd shaped rock over 30 meters manages to shear Broud's spear in half just in time as Creb fall over. Finally, its the climatic ultimate moment that the guys who made the movie thought they'd build up to and wed all be waiting for but actually that would be the moment that the words "The End" appear on the screen. Now its Ayla vs. Broud, mano a womano. Ayla says "NO Creb will stay", we then cut to the Clan woman looking all shifty and nervous, the music is building up. Ayla gets ready for some wrestling, Broud launches at her with the broken end of the spear and tries to club her, Ayla sidesteps and smacks the back of his head with a Austin Powers Judo Chop [no doubt something she invented], Broud falls to the ground face first. Everyone looks surprised as we cut to Brun then Crebs face then Broud. Broud gets up again and tries the exact same thing, but makes sure he telegraphs it more this time - yup Ayla is easily kicking his ass. The exact same thing happens, the women look horrified. Broud who is about to attack for a third time, goes shuffling towards Ayla with the stick raised [doesn't he learn? he must have used up his fighting juice against that bear] when suddenly Brun steps in the way. Brun then rips the necklace of authority from Broud, then just for kicks in front of the whole Clan drops the necklace on the floor Brun says to him:

"Broud you are a fighting spirit, Ayla has won she has beaten you..."

and to further humiliate Broud and rub it in:

"You are nothing compared to her, I wish Ayla had been my child"

Yeah Broud is a twat but that's pretty harsh. Anyway reeling from this Broud ends up crawling on the floor like a big sissy. Ayla goes over to Durc to tell him she loves him, Silvestri cues in the mission accomplished music [which I guess was boring the hell out of us]. Ayla then explains to Durc "We are of the same spirit, same spirit forever". This is the apt point that Ayla has chosen to leave [not taking any provisions or anything just her sling]. Uba pleads for Ayla to stay, Ayla tells Uba that she must keep the Clan way but that she Ayla is a free spirit now...a good spirit and that Uba should remember her [well la dee da, look who's special]. As she is walking off towards us we see in the background the Cave, Creb, Uba and Durc. Ayla is trying not to cry but looking all weepy as Durc is screaming her name. She turns around just in time to hear Creb say: "Ayla walk with the Cave Bear". We cut to a close-up of Ayla, weeping a single tear, looking much like an Indian after seeing someone litter the land.

cue narrator:

"She had spoken out for Creb because she loved him, the sign had come. Finally she had understood the vision [come on are you telling me Ayla was that mentally challenged?] Durc was of the Clan and one day he would be their leader, she must find her own people she must walk alone. Everything she had lived through had prepared her for this journey and she was not afraid. For the first time Ayla felt the strength of her own spirit."

All this time as the narrator natters on about her destiny, we watch Ayla wander off into the sunset. Aww, One last cliché for the road.

Cue Credits





[This synopsis is wholy "adapted" in parts]