Chris Knight:
Have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?
David Decker:
She happens to be my daughter.
Chris Knight:
Oh. Then I guess you have.
Chris Knight:
Sir, let me take this moment to compliment you on your fashion sense, particularly your slippers.
Chris Knight:
Do you mind if I name my first child after you? "Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring to it.
Chris Knight:
Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races, we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?
Professor Hathaway:
When you first started at Pacific Tech you were well on your way to becoming another Einstein and then you know what happened?
Chris Knight:
I got a haircut?
Chris Knight:
Don't eat that!
Chris' Girl at Party:
Why?
Chris Knight:
Don't you know that eating that stuff can give you very large breasts?
[
looks down]
Chris Knight:
Oh, my God! I'm too late!
Jordan:
I never sleep, I don't know why. I had a roommate and I drove her nuts, I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything. But she's okay now, but she had to transfer to an easier school, but I don't know if that had anything to do with being my fault. But listen, if you ever need to talk or you need help studying just let me know, 'cause I'm just a couple doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?
Chris Knight:
Oh, Kent, that is so unfair! And we were going to make you King of the Winter Carnival.
Kent:
Really?
Professor Hathaway:
Mitch, there's something you need to know. Compared to you, most people have the IQ of a carrot.
Chris Knight:
Look at it this way. Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, you have to admit the strong possibility this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives... to have sex.
Bodie:
He said he didn't feel like it. And I said, you'd better! And he said, or what? And I said, or else you're gonna be in trouble. And he said jam it.
Professor Hathaway:
That's a wonderful story, Bodie. I noticed you've stopped stuttering.
Bodie:
I've been giving myself shock treatments.
Professor Hathaway:
Up the voltage.
Professor Hathaway:
What's that smell?
Chris Knight:
[
sniffs under armpit] Must be the dog, sir.
Professor Hathaway:
That's popcorn.
Chris Knight:
Yes sir, I know...
Professor Hathaway:
Well, get it away from me! I hate popcorn! I can't stand popcorn!
Chris Knight:
[
Chris drops the bag of popcorn on the steps] Good. Now I know what to get you for your birthday.
Chris Knight:
[
as Dr. Hathaway comes jogging up] You wanted to see me, Your Joggingness?
Chris Knight:
Okay Mitch, I'm gonna make it up to you. Let's just pause, put that down. Let's just take a step back. No, I was wrong, I'm sorry, take a step forward. Now, take a step back. Step forward. Back. And then we're cha-cha-ing!
Mitch:
Will you stop it? I'm serious!
Chris Knight:
Okay, I'm serious too!
Chris Knight:
[
while Mitch is packing to leave] If you want to leave, go ahead, but you're going to miss the fun.
Mitch:
What fun?
Chris Knight:
Ick invented a nude virus and we're going to release it in Kent's room.
Kent:
Uh, I'll catch up with you guys. I have to go to the bathroom.
Chris Knight:
Okay, Kent, but I don't think that's going to help your confidence any, do you?
Carter:
Let's go girls!
Bodie:
What do you m-m-mean by that?
Carter:
It's a f-f-f-figure of speech, Bodie.
Mitch:
But if I stay, what should I do?
Chris Knight:
You get even with Kent. It's a moral imperative.
[
to Chris]
Mitch:
You have to get even with Jerry Hathaway. "It's a moral imperative."
Chris Knight:
You didn't touch anything, did you?
Mitch:
No.
Chris Knight:
Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for "toy."
Mitch:
What is it?
Chris Knight:
It's a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it?
Mitch:
No!
Chris Knight:
I'm just kidding. It's yet another in a long series of diversions in an attempt to avoid responsibility.
Professor Hathaway:
I want to see more of you around the lab.
Chris Knight:
Fine. I'll gain weight.
Chris Knight:
Would you prepared if gravity reversed itself? The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets. I've got it. Nudity.
Dr. Dodd:
Why is that toy on your head?
Chris Knight:
Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes.
Chris Knight:
Kent puts his name on his license plate.
Mitch:
My mom does the same thing to my underwear.
Chris Knight:
Your mom puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?
[
In the men's room]
Jordan:
Are you peeing?
Mitch:
Uh, I can't start.
Jordan:
Because I'm here?
Mitch:
I think so.
Jordan:
Weird. Well I have to go.
Mitch:
Me too.
Dr. Meredith:
A bit of advice...
Mitch:
Oh, uh, thank you...
Dr. Meredith:
Always... no, no... never... forget to check your references.
Mitch:
Uh... ok... thank you. I'd better be going.
[
leaves]
Dr. Meredith:
[
to his wife] I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down" verbally, don't you?
Old Lady:
Tell me, what's Einstein really like?
Professor Hathaway:
Dead.
Professor Hathaway:
You still run?
Chris Knight:
Only when chased.
Chris Knight:
This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.
[
Mitch Taylor speaking through the microphone so that Kent hears voices in his head]
Mitch:
And from now on, stop playing with yourself.
Kent:
It *is* God.
Mitch:
You know, um, something strange happened to me this morning...
Chris Knight:
Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch:
No...
Chris Knight:
Why am I the only one who has that dream?
Chris Knight:
If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want... Well, that's where you're right. But - and I am only saying that because I care - there's a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing.
Professor Hathaway:
What are you looking at? You're laborers; you should be laboring. That's what you get for not having an education.
Professor Hathaway:
Mitch, will you miss your friends?
Mitch:
Well, no. I think I intimidate other kids.
Professor Hathaway:
Good boy.
[
Chris Knight is trying to hit on Susan, a beautiful woman he finds in Professor Hathaway's house]
Chris Knight:
So, if there's anything I can do for you, or, more to the point, to you, you just let me know.
Susan:
Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight:
Not right now.
Susan:
A girl's gotta have her standards.
[
She walks out]
Kent:
You're all a bunch of degenerates.
Chris Knight:
*We* are? What about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?
Kent:
You did not.
Chris Knight:
This is true.
Kent:
Look, it was hot and I was hungry, okay?
Mitch:
Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?
Chris Knight:
You've seen him too?
Mitch:
Who is he?
Chris Knight:
Hollyfeld.
Mitch:
Why does he keep going into our closet?
Chris Knight:
Why do you keep going into our closet?
Mitch:
To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there.
Chris Knight:
Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him.
Mitch:
Yeah...
Chris Knight:
Think before you ask these questions, Mitch. Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?
Mitch:
What are you doing?
Chris Knight:
Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "... I drank what?"
[
last lines]
'Ick' Ikagami:
Do you think it's getting weird around here?
Chris Knight:
Absolutely.
Jordan:
I didn't notice.
Mitch:
I like it.
Chris Knight:
Welcome to Pacific Tech's "Smart People on Ice".
Bodie:
Well, I guess it goes from God, to Jerry to you to the cleaners. Right, Kent?
Chris Knight:
You unbelievable bastard.
Professor Hathaway:
Count on it.
Mitch:
This is coherent light.
Mitch's dad:
Oh, so it talks.
Professor Hathaway:
[
reading his TV script] Your colon: what does it look like?
[
Chris is holding a lab beaker with pink liquid in it]
Chris Knight:
Here Mitch, taste this. Go on, you won't hurt my feelings, just try it. What do you think, too sweet?
Mitch:
What is it?
Chris Knight:
I don't know, I found it in one of the labs.
[
Mitch starts to induce vomiting]
Chris Knight:
Relax, it's just yogurt.
[
Kent opens his dorm room door to find his car inside]
Chris Knight:
Hey Kent... That's your car.
Mitch:
Kent, you know you're not supposed to park that on campus.
Kent:
You've gone too far this time, Knight.
Chris Knight:
[
whiny, scared voice] I had help!
[
points to Mitch]
Kent:
You, huh? Well you won't get away with this. Doctor Hathaway's gonna hear all about this. You'll rue the day!
Chris Knight:
"Rue the day?" Who talks like that?
Chris Knight:
You see Mitch, I used to be you. And lately I've been missing me so I asked Dr. Hathaway if I could room with me again and he said sure.
Major Carnagle:
Where's the laser?
Professor Hathaway:
It's coming.
Major Carnagle:
It's coming? Ha! It's not even breathing hard.
Chris Knight:
Would you qualify that as a launch problem or a design problem?
Lazlo Hollyfeld:
How did you do?
Chris Knight:
How'd I do? I passed! But I failed! Yeah!
Lazlo Hollyfeld:
Well then I'm happy and sad for you.
Chris Knight:
[
to future employers] I'm sorry. It's just that I didn't want you guys to think I was stuffy. You know, no fun. All brain, no penis.
Darlington Recruiter:
You *are* Chris Knight, aren't you?
Chris Knight:
I hope so. I'm wearing his underwear.
Lazlo Hollyfeld:
Did you wanna borrow my pajamas?
'Ick' Ikagami:
It worked!
Mitch:
That's neat!
'Ick' Ikagami:
Now if we can just keep it from exploding!
Kent:
Explo-?
[
rushes into his room]
Chris Knight:
Hey Ick, you were just kidding about exploding, right?
[
starts to notice no one else is there any longer]
Chris Knight:
Ick? It's a joke, right?
Jordan:
Are you going to take me home to meet your parents?
Mitch:
No.
Jordan:
Why? Are you ashamed of me?
Mitch:
No, them.
Jordan:
Oh.
Air Force SP at Gate:
IDs?
Chris Knight:
Hey, could you snap it up buddy, we just flew in, we're tired, we're hungry, we rented this stupid car...
Mitch:
Are you out of your mind?
Chris Knight:
Shh. We've got to intimidate these guys. Be cool. It's okay.
Air Force SP at Gate:
You're not on the list.
Chris Knight:
List. We're not on the list. Yeah, that's because we're classified.
Mitch:
Yeah.
Air Force SP at Gate:
[
on checkpoint phone in background] Security. Yes, sir.
Air Force SP at Gate:
Aren't you guys a little young to be technicians?
Chris Knight:
Yeah, well, lasers are a young science... okay, there, fine, you made me say it. Now we're both in trouble!
Air Force SP at Gate:
Look, I'll call the duty officer.
[
guard turns]
Mitch:
Uh.
Chris Knight:
[
calling guard back] Hey, uh, there, uh, airborne!
Chris Knight:
Don't do that. Listen, if you make that call it's our job: we're four hours late. Give us a break, will ya' buddy? Someday you might be in the private sector too, right?
Mitch:
Yeah.
Chris Knight:
[
as guard turns again] We're dead.
Mitch:
Oh, no.
Chris Knight:
[
as guard surprisingly waves them through] All right!
Professor Hathaway:
You are of no further use to me!
Chris Knight:
[
pause] Interesting way to begin a conversation...
Chris Knight:
As you know, Mitch and I were working on the cyanide system. Well, earlier today it ate itself. But, these little set-backs are just what we need to take a giant step forward. Right, Kent? Needless to say, I was a little despondent about the melt down, but then, in the midst of my preparations for hari kiri, it came to me. It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix. Yes, it's an excimer frozen in its excited state.
Bodie:
Th... That's impossible.
Chris Knight:
It's a chemical laser but in solid, not gaseous, form. Put simply, in deference to you, Kent, it's like lasing a stick of dynamite. As soon as we apply a field, we couple to a state, it is radiatively coupled to the ground state. I figure we can extract at least ten to the twenty-first photons per cubic centimeter which will give one kilojoule per cubic centimeter at 600 nanometers, or, one megajoule per liter.
Announcer:
The Crossbow Project. There's No Defense Like a Good Offense.
Roy:
Our studies indicate the weapon is totally useless in warfare.
David Decker:
It's not intended for use in your kind of warfare, Roy. It's the perfect peacetime weapon. That's why it's secret.
Man:
So it's both immoral *and* unethical?
David Decker:
Yes.
[
they all laugh]
Kent:
And I suppose you're in on this too. Did you make this stuff?
'Ick' Ikagami:
I'm not saying.
Kent:
Well who's gonna clean it up?
'Ick' Ikagami:
You won't have to. It's gonna go from solid form directly to gas.
Kent:
Whoa! Really? What is it?
'Ick' Ikagami:
I'm not sayin', but I can tell you it's fairly rare and very unstable.
Chris Knight:
Just like you.
Related Links
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