You Can't Win 'Em All (1970)

Director:

Peter Collinson

Writer:

Leo Gordon (writer)

Release Date:

24 July 1970 (USA)

Genre:

Comedy | Adventure

Tagline:

Two soldiers of fortune matching wits and guns against the armies of two nations!

Plot:

Two former U.S. Army soldiers, Adam Dyer and Josh Corey, join a band of Turkish mercenaries in 1922 Turkey whom are hired by Osman Bey...

Cast

Tony Curtis	...	Adam Dyer
Charles Bronson	...	Josh Corey
Michèle Mercier	...	Aila
Grégoire Aslan	...	Osman Bey
Fikret Hakan	...	Col. Elci
Salih Güney	...	Capt. Enver
Patrick Magee	...	The General (Attaturk)
Tony Bonner	...	Reese
John Acheson	...	Davis
Horst Janson	...	Wollen
Leo Gordon	...	Bolek
Reed De Rouen	...	U.S. Navy CPO
Paul Stassino	...	Gunner major
Henia Halil	...	Madam
rest of cast listed alphabetically:
John Alderson	...	U.S. Army major
Yüksel Gözen	...	Papadopoulos
Suna Keskin	...	Girl in cafe

Also Known As:

Soldiers of Fortune (USA) (video title)
The Dubious Patriots

Runtime:

97 min

Country:

UK

Language:

English

Color:

Color (Technicolor)

Aspect Ratio:

2.35 : 1

Sound Mix:

Mono

Certification:

West Germany:12 (f) (re-rating) | France:U | West Germany:16 (f) (original rating) | USA:PG (re-rating) | Finland:K-16 | Norway:16 | Sweden:15 | USA:GP (original rating)

Filming Locations:

Istanbul, Turkey

Company:

SRO

Trivia:

Michèle Mercier was dubbed by Nikki Van der Zyl.

Goofs:

Anachronisms: The movie is set in 1922, but a contemporary Canadian flag appears on the wall in the tavern. In 1970, when the film was made, the Canadian flag shown had only existed for five years.

Movie Connections:

Referenced in Vente a ligar al Oeste (1972)

Soundtrack:

Main Title Music

Worst movie ever...

Well, what can I say. "Soldiers of Fortune" is definitely the worst movie I've ever seen.

Let's start at the beginning: A guy who supposedly was on a raft for a long time is finally rescued by Bronson. The man has horribly ripped pants and a shirt that is in ok condition, but the clincher is that he has no beard at all. Not even any stubble. And his hair wasn't shaggy or dirty. These seemingly minor details say an awful lot about how poorly made this movie was.

Later on Bronson and the other guy are in a bar and a bunch of armed soldiers burst in and start asking questions. A brawl begins. Not a single shot is fired by the soldiers. Bronson's men beat everyone up. As they leave for their ship, the soldiers exit the bar and start shooting AFTER the fight is over and many people have been beat up.

Later on Bronson is talking to the Sultan of Turkey about working for him. Whenever the sultan talks, his face is in the very corner of the screen and you can only occasionally see his whole face. Also, a microphone is extremely obvious just off-center.

Besides these details, the movie is extremely repetitive. I have no idea how many scenes contained Bronson and his men riding horses, camels, donkeys, etc.

Here's a rough depiction of a quote from the movie: Bronson hands the other guy a gun "This good charity is going to be the death of me." The other guy says "Better you than me." Bronson replies "I don't kill easy."

That quote just says it all. Something about it doesn't flow. I can understand what they're saying, but it doesn't sound like an English conversation.

These are just a few of the limitless things that make this movie so horrible. If you don't believe me that it sucks this bad, rent it for yourself. If you enjoy watching movies that are so bad that they are funny, this one is a must-see. The only movie I can think of that is even close to as bad as this one is Chuck Norris' "The Octagon".