Five the Hard Way (1969)

User Rating:

1.5/10   

Director:

Gus Trikonis

Writers:

Larry Billman (story)
Tony Huston (writer)

Release Date:

May 1969 (USA)

Genre:

Action | Sport

Tagline:

HARD RIDERS! Mounted on Burning Steel! ... with only their leathers between THEM and HELL!

Plot:

Motorcycle racer Rommel seeks vengeance against JC, a madman who murdered the sidehacker's fiancee.

Plot Keywords:

Biker | Rape | MST3K | Revenge | Beautiful Woman

Cast

Ross Hagen	...	Vince Rommel
Diane McBain	...	Rita
Michael Pataki	...	J.C.
Dick Merrifield	...	Luke
Claire Polan	...	Paisley
Edward Parrish	...	Nero
Michael Graham	...	Cooch
Hoke Howell	...	Crapout
Diane Tessier	...	Debbie
Erik Cord	...	Dirty John (as Eric Cord)
Eric Lidberg	...	Tork
Ivy Ross	...	Mechanic
Joey Tessier	...	Billy
Robert Tessier	...	Jake
Tony Lorea	...	Announcer

Also Known As:

The Sidehackers

Runtime:

82 min

Country:

USA

Language:

English

Color:

Color (Eastmancolor)

Aspect Ratio:

2.35 : 1

Sound Mix:

Mono

Certification:

Sweden:15 | UK:X | USA:M | Canada:R (Ontario)

Company:

Crown Productions

Trivia:

Gus Trikonis' wife at the time Goldie Hawn appears as an uncredited extra spectator at the end of the race in the beginning of the film.

Movie Connections:

Referenced in "Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Hellcats (#3.9)" (1990)

No movie ever became a cult classic by being boring

I've seen almost all the bad movie classics. Most of the classics of bad cinema are bad because of low production values, bad acting and silly plots. No such luck here. The production values are adequate for the subject matter and the plot is fairly standard. Unfortunately, these are the things that make the classics entertaining.

What we're left with is a meandering script with a very standard plot, bad acting, and worst of all, incompetent direction. The movie is filled with long sequences, such as the sidehacking race from which it gets one of its titles, that add nothing to the plot or characters that couldn't have been accomplished in one tenth the time.

If that weren't enough, what little plot is stuck between these sequences is either difficult to follow or just doesn't make sense. For instance, at one point a character is killed and it took me a while to figure it out. Not that it was supposed to be a secret, the point just wasn't conveyed the way it was apparently intended. And throughout the whole movie, up to and including the end, I couldn't understand why the characters were doing the things they were doing. In the few places I did understand, I didn't get why they were going about it the way they were.

In short, this movie is incredibly bad, and not in any fun way. It's quite probably the worst movie I've ever seen. I would not recommend this to anyone for a straight viewing. The only way anyone will get any fun out of it is by ripping into it with friends or letting the professionals do it for them via the excellent MST3K treatment, which is available on DVD.