Laura Petrie:
You wanna end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead!
Rob Petrie:
Who's that?
Laura Petrie:
Dwight Heatheron happens to be an excellent writer who is unknown because he gets no publicity.
Rob Petrie:
Then how do you know him?
Laura Petrie:
Oh Rob, he's *famous*.
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Rob!
Rob Petrie:
Buddy!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Sally!
Sally Rogers:
Mel!
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Rob, I can't tell you how much.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
You can't tell us how much four and four are.
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Yech!
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
I need a place to hide.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Quick, grow some hair.
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Rob, I did not come here to get insulted.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Oh? Where do you usually go to get insulted? I'll go anywhere!
[
Laura just admitted that she told a TV audience Alan Brady is bald]
Rob Petrie:
Well did you know it was a secret?
Laura Petrie:
Yes.
Rob Petrie:
Oh sure, what's the fun of telling something if it's not a secret?
[
repeated line]
Laura Petrie:
Oh, Rob!
Rob Petrie:
[
tag scene from The Last Chapter] Are you ready for a little bit of good news?
Laura Petrie:
Yeah, I think so.
Rob Petrie:
I heard from the publisher today.
Laura Petrie:
Yeah?
Rob Petrie:
He hates it, boy!
[
laughter]
Rob Petrie:
He said it reminded him of about fifty other books.
Laura Petrie:
He's kidding!
Sally Rogers:
No, no, that's what they said.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
That's right. One editor said it stunk!
Laura Petrie:
Well, why is everyone so happy?
Rob Petrie:
Because Alan read it and he loved it.
Alan Brady:
What do I know from style?
Rob Petrie:
Honey, Alan wants to produce it as a television series.
Laura Petrie:
[
in amazement] Your book's going to be a television series?
Alan Brady:
It's true, of course I won't do it until after my series is defunct, which may never be.
Rob Petrie:
Alan is going to play me.
Sally Rogers:
And the three of us are going to write it and Leonard Bershad is going to produce it.
[
loud commotion]
Rob Petrie:
Wait, ho-hold it a second. Honey, what do you think?
Laura Petrie:
Oh gosh, I don't know what to say - Alan is really going to play you?
Alan Brady:
And Rob won't have to shave his head - I'll wear a toupee.
Laura Petrie:
Rob, if I thought that you sent this boat here to trap me...
Rob Petrie:
No, honey, I ordered this long before we did the sketch. This is what gave me the idea. Honest.
Laura Petrie:
Rob, I tried not to open it, I really did, but I - I guess I'm just a pathological snoopy-nose!
Rob Petrie:
Oh, honey, everybody's a snoopy-nose. We all like to know what's inside things.
Laura Petrie:
I guess so.
Rob Petrie:
Why, I know so. You know something? I'm very, very curious about something right now.
Laura Petrie:
What?
Rob Petrie:
Well, I'm wondering how long we're going to keep on with this polite talking before we get down to serious kissing!
Laura Petrie:
[
smiles] About three seconds.
Rob Petrie:
Three?
[
looks at his watch]
Rob Petrie:
One, two...
Laura Petrie:
I forgive you!
[
they kiss deeply]
Rob Petrie:
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And so do I.
Laura Petrie:
Let me put it this way: I have a happy, semiwell-adjusted husband who comes home and greets me with a smile and a kiss - and I'd rather have that than all the money in the world.
Rob Petrie:
Yeah?
Laura Petrie:
Yeah. So how about a smile?
[
Rob flashes a toothy smile]
Laura Petrie:
And a kiss?
[
they kiss]
Laura Petrie:
That's what I want.
Rob Petrie:
Hey - I didn't realize I was such a great smiler and kisser!
[
sits down on the bar stool by the kitchen counter]
Laura Petrie:
[
leans her head on her elbows, looks at Rob at eye level and purrs like a cat] R-r-r-rr-rrr - rrrrr-rr-r
[
smiles]
Sally Rogers:
What's the matter Rob?
Rob Petrie:
Oh, he got on the elevator and I busted my leg on a lady.
Rob Petrie:
Laura, there is no reason for your behavior!
Laura Petrie:
There is every reason for my behavior - I'm angry!
Rob Petrie:
Angry, yes, because I wouldn't behave like a puppet! Because I felt a responsibility to my employer!
Laura Petrie:
For heaven's sake, Rob, that's not why I'm angry. I realize you have to do what you think is right. I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself get pushed around by anyone, including me.
Rob Petrie:
Well, what are you angry with me for?
Laura Petrie:
I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with me for being angry with you.
Rob Petrie:
Well, is there anything I can do to patch up this little quarrel you're having among yourself so I can get out of the doghouse?
Laura Petrie:
Did you ever think of trying a kiss?
[
Rob leans over to kiss her on the neck]
Laura Petrie:
Not on the neck.
[
Rob kisses her lightly on the cheek]
Laura Petrie:
That's better.
[
Rob kisses her lightly on the lips]
Laura Petrie:
Almost.
[
smiles]
Laura Petrie:
[
they embrace and kiss deeply] Oh, yes.
[
they resume their kiss]
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
[
upon Mel entering] Well, look who's here! Genie with the light brown scalp!
[
observing Mel's box of props]
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
NOW I know what a producer does! He delivers the garbage.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
This guy laughs at everything! Bet he'll laugh if I say "shoehorn"... SHOEHORN!
Maxwell Cooley:
heh huhh heh huhh!
[
silly laughter]
Alan Brady:
[
re note about letting go of the staff] Didn't you see I crumpled it up?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
[
inspects paper] Yeah that's his crumple!
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
[
clutching his temples] Look, I've got a great deal of work to do!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
So go ahead, tear your hair out!
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Rob, as the producer of this show, once more I must insist that you instruct your staff to show me a little respect.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
We're showing you as little respect as possible.
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie:
[
notices Rob and Laura kissing while watching home movies of their wedding] Boy, you two sure kiss a lot! Show me that again, Daddy.
Rob Petrie:
OK.
[
they start kissing again]
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie:
No, not that - that!
[
points to the movie screen]
Rob Petrie:
Morning, honey.
[
puckers his lips expecting a kiss, but instead gets an earful]
Laura Petrie:
[
in rapid-fire fashion] What do you mean by that? It may be a good morning for you, but it wasn't for me! You didn't have to clean up the mess that this one made when he decided to finger paint all over the bathroom mirror with the toothpaste. And you don't have to be concerned at all about the fact that the cleaning woman isn't coming today and you have five people coming over for lunch. Sure, go ahead, good morning! Why not?
Rob Petrie:
[
recoiling] Honey, give me another chance. I'll go out and come in again.
[
starts for the door to the living room]
Rob Petrie:
I won't say good morning - I'll just wave as I go by.
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Believe me, Rob, as the producer, I'm sorry.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
We believe you, Curly. You're a sorry producer.
Laura Petrie:
Well, do you remember that it was you who was responsible for Ritchie's ending up with a middle name, Rosebud?
Rob Petrie:
No, all I can remember is that our parents were pretty unreasonable.
Laura Petrie:
They certainly were. But you still didn't have to do what you did.
Rob Petrie:
Honey, you forget something - your parents threatened to boycott the baby! I did the only thing I could possibly do to make them all happy.
Laura Petrie:
Well, let's see if you can make Ritchie happy with Rosebud for a middle name.
Rob Petrie:
Don't worry, I will.
Laura Petrie:
Well, if you do, I'll...
Rob Petrie:
You'll what?
Laura Petrie:
I'll kiss you so hard your teeth will rattle!
Rob Petrie:
Good enough! And listen, do a couple of things for me, will you?
Laura Petrie:
What's that?
Rob Petrie:
Well, when I get home tonight, put out Ritchie's blackboard right about over there.
Laura Petrie:
Mm-hmm.
Rob Petrie:
And, uh, you'd better get me a dental appointment because there's going to be a lot of loose teeth around here tonight.
[
smiles and kisses her]
Rob Petrie:
Bye.
Rob Petrie:
How's your white satin evening gown?
Laura Petrie:
Fine. How's your red flannel bathrobe?
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
It was the sketch. I knew Alan wouldn't like it. And when it comes to comedy, I have an unerring instinct.
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
That's right, you got the instinct of a herring.
Rob Petrie:
[
referring to Ritchie] How'd he get so cute?
Laura Petrie:
Your mother says you were just like him when you were a little boy.
Rob Petrie:
Why, I'm surprised she said that.
Laura Petrie:
Why?
Rob Petrie:
I think I'm cuter. Gimme a kiss.
Laura Petrie:
Never kiss egomaniacs.
Rob Petrie:
How about hungry husbands?
Laura Petrie:
Them I feed.
[
puts a grape in his mouth]
[
repeated line]
Alan Brady:
Shut up, Mel!
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Yes, sir.
Mrs. Kendall:
[
she and her son are leaving after having forced the Petries to listen to her son singing an opera for two and a half hours] Oh, and I do hope Mrs. Petrie's headache goes away.
Rob Petrie:
[
ushering her out] Oh, I think it's leaving. Don't worry.
Kenneth Kendall:
By Wolfgang A-mad-ee-us Mozz-sart.
Mrs. Kendall:
Mo-zart.
Kenneth Kendall:
[
mimicks] Mo-zart.
[
repeated line]
Sally Rogers:
It's just like my Aunt Agnes used to say...
Rob Petrie:
[
Sally, Buddy, Rob and Laura are staying in a haunted cabin, all four are in the same bed because they are scared of the ghost] It's been over two hours and nothing strange or unusual has happened.
Sally Rogers:
Oh, really? What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed with their clothes on?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
[
after Rob and Laura exchange a romantic goodnight, complete with kiss] Good night, Sal.
Sally Rogers:
Goodnight, pal.
[
they shake hands]
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
[
Sally emerges from another room wearing a facemask] Sal! We've been working together all these years, I never knew you looked like that!
Sally Rogers:
Looked like what?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Like my wife!
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Oh, believe me, doodly doo.
Rob Petrie:
At least I'll prove one thing tonight: Television writers marry the prettiest girls.
Phil Franklin:
Just a reasonable facsimile; I didn't help anybody. I got you myself, for myself!
[
Mel has told Rob and Sally, after Buddy had been transferred to a different TV studio, that they can use another third writer for their team besides Buddy]
Rob Petrie:
Doggone, if only Buddy hadn't been so nasty.
Sally Rogers:
Oh, he couldn't have been nastier if he made a living at it.
Rob Petrie:
[
thinking] Make a living at it?
[
He brightens up]
Rob Petrie:
Sally, that's it! Let's hire somebody nastier than Buddy.
Sally Rogers:
I thought Jack the Ripper was dead.
[
repeated line]
Sally Rogers:
Good thinking.
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
[
to Rob about Buddy] Will you please tell this person that I was not hired for this job to be the butt of his jokes?
Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Hey, whose jokes were you hired to be the butt of?
[
repeated line]
Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
[
after Buddy ridicules him] Yecch!
Rob Petrie:
[
opens closet door] Ritchie, what are you doing in there?
Richard Rosebud 'Ritchie:
Eating chocolate pudding.
Rob Petrie:
[
to Laura] Why would you let the boy eat chocolate pudding in the broom closet?
Laura Petrie:
Because you let a dog eat spaghetti in the garage!
Rob Petrie:
I want to take a nap before I go to sleep.
Related Links
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