[
holding an unlit cigarette]
J.J. Hunsecker:
Match me, Sidney.
J.J. Hunsecker:
Mr. Falco, let it be said at once, is a man of 40 faces, not one - none too pretty, and all deceptive. You see that grin? That's the, eh, that's the Charming Street Urchin face. It's part of his helpless act: he throws himself upon your mercy. He's got a half-dozen faces for the ladies. But the one I like, the really cute one, is the quick, dependable chap. Nothing he won't do for you in a pinch - so he says. Mr. Falco, whom I did not invite to sit at this table tonight, is a hungry press agent, and fully up to all the tricks of his very slimy trade.
[
Pulls out an unlit cigarette and faces Falco]
J.J. Hunsecker:
Match me, Sidney.
Sidney Falco:
Not right this minute, J.J.
Lt. Harry Kello:
Come back here, Sidney... I wanna chastise you...
J.J. Hunsecker:
What's this boy got that Susie likes?
Sidney Falco:
Integrity - acute, like indigestion.
J.J. Hunsecker:
What does that mean - integrity?
Sidney Falco:
A pocket fulla firecrackers - looking for a match!
[
grinning]
Sidney Falco:
It's a new wrinkle, to tell the truth... I never thought I'd make a killing on some guy's "integrity."
Sidney Falco:
Watch me run a 50-yard dash with my legs cut off!
Sally:
But Sidney, you make a living. Where do you want to get?
Sidney Falco:
Way up high, Sam, where it's always balmy. Where no one snaps his fingers and says, "Hey, Shrimp, rack the balls!" Or, "Hey, mouse, mouse, go out and buy me a pack of butts." I don't want tips from the kitty. I'm in the big game with the big players. My experience I can give you in a nutshell, and I didn't dream it in a dream, either. Dog Eat Dog. In brief, from now on, the best of everything is good enough for me.
Steve:
The next time you want information, don't scratch for it like a dog, ask for it like a man!
Sidney Falco:
He thinks JJ's some kind of a monster...
Susan Hunsecker:
Don't you?
Sidney Falco:
Susie, JJ happens to be one of my very best friends!
Susan Hunsecker:
I know. But someday I'd like to look into your clever little mind and see what you really think of him.
Sidney Falco:
Where do you come off, making a remark like that?
Susan Hunsecker:
Who could love a man who makes you jump through burning hoops like a trained poodle?
Jimmy Weldon:
It's a dirty job, but I pay clean money for it.
J.J. Hunsecker:
You're dead, son. Get yourself buried.
J.J. Hunsecker:
Everybody knows Manny Davis - except Mrs. Manny Davis.
J.J. Hunsecker:
President? My big toe would make a better President!
Sidney Falco:
If I'm gonna go out on a limb for you, you gotta know what's involved!
J.J. Hunsecker:
My right hand hasn't seen my left hand in thirty years.
Rita:
What am I, a bowl of fruit? A tangerine that peels in a minute?
Rita:
Here's mud in your column!
J.J. Hunsecker:
I love this dirty town.
Steve:
Mr. Hunsecker, you've got more twists than a barrel of pretzels!
J.J. Hunsecker:
Son, I don't relish shooting a mosquito with an elephant gun, so why don't you just shuffle along?
Sidney Falco:
Maybe I left my sense of humor in my other suit.
Steve:
That's fish four days old. I won't buy it!
Sidney Falco:
The cat's in a bag and the bag's in a river.
J.J. Hunsecker:
I'd hate to take a bite outta you. You're a cookie full of arsenic.
J.J. Hunsecker:
Well son, it looks like we have to call this game on account of darkness.
J.J. Hunsecker:
Don't remove the gangplank, Sidney - you may wanna get back onboard.
Rita:
It was Palm Springs. Two years ago. Don't tell Sidney.
Sidney Falco:
Sure, the columnists can't do without us, except our good and great friend J.J. forgets to mention that. You see, we furnish him with items.
J.J. Hunsecker:
What, some cheap, gruesome gags?
Sidney Falco:
You print 'em, don't ya?
J.J. Hunsecker:
Yes, with your clients' names attached. That's the only reason the poor slobs pay you - to see their names in my column all over the world. Now, I make it out, you're doing *me* a favor?... The day I can't get along without a press agents' handouts, I'll close up shop and move to Alaska, lock, stock, and barrel.
Sidney Falco:
Every dog will have his day.
Sidney Falco:
Don't do anything I wouldn't do! That gives you a lot of leeway...
Mary:
You're an amusing boy, but you haven't got a drop of respect for anything in human life.
Sidney Falco:
A press agent eats a columnist's dirt and is expected to call it manna.
Leo Bartha:
[
to Sidney, of JJ] Tell him that like yourself, he's got the scruples of a guinea pig and the morals of a gangster.
Loretta Bartha:
What you do now, Mr. Falco, is crow like a hen. You have just laid an egg.
Otis Elwell:
I can't think of a good reason why I should print anything you give me. I can't even think of a *bad* reason.
Sidney Falco:
[
eyeing a pin-up] Suppose I introduce you to a... a lovely reason... who's both good *and* bad... and available?
Otis Elwell:
[
pauses] I'm not an unreasonable man.
Mary:
If it's true, JJ's gonna hit the ceiling.
Sidney Falco:
Can it be news to you that JJ's ceiling needs a new plaster job every six weeks?
Steve:
[
to BL, of his flunky] Tell me sir, when he dies, do you think he'll go to the dog and cat heaven?
J.J. Hunsecker:
Sidney, this syrup you're giving out with... you pour over waffles, not JJ Hunsecker.
Sidney Falco:
[
to Susan] Start thinking with your head instead of your hips.
[
pause]
Sidney Falco:
Uh - by the way, I got nothing against women thinking with their hips. That's their nature. Just like it's a *man's* nature to go out and hustle and get the things he wants.
J.J. Hunsecker:
Look, Manny, you rode in here on the Senator's shirt tails, so shut your mouth!
Sen. Harvey Walker:
Now, come, J.J., that's a little too harsh. Anyone seems fair game for you tonight.
J.J. Hunsecker:
This man is not for you, Harvey, and you shouldn't be seen with him in public. Because that's another part of a press agent's life - he digs up scandal among prominent men and shovels it thin among columnists who give him space.
Sen. Harvey Walker:
There is some allusion here that escapes me...
J.J. Hunsecker:
We're friends, Harvey - we go as far back as when you were a fresh kid Congressman, don't we?
Sen. Harvey Walker:
Why does everything you say sound like a threat?
J.J. Hunsecker:
Maybe it's a mannerism - because I don't threaten friends, Harvey. But why furnish your enemies with ammunition? You're a family man. Someday, with God willing, you may wanna be President. Now here you are, Harvey, out in the open where any hep person knows that this one...
[
points at Manny Davis]
J.J. Hunsecker:
[
points at Linda James] ... is toting THAT one...
J.J. Hunsecker:
[
points at Senator] around for you.
J.J. Hunsecker:
Manny, what exactly are the UNSEEN gifts of this lovely young thing that you manage?
Manny Davis:
Well, she sings a little... you know, sings...
Linda James:
Manny's faith in me is simply awe-inspiring, Mr. Hunsecker. Actually, I'm still studying, but...
J.J. Hunsecker:
What subject?
Linda James:
Singing, of course... straight concert and...
J.J. Hunsecker:
[
glance flicks between the Girl and the Senator] Why "of course"? It might, for instance, be politics...
Linda James:
Me? I mean "I"? Are you kidding, Mr. Hunsecker? With my Jersey City brains?
J.J. Hunsecker:
The brains may be Jersey City, but the clothes are Traina-Norell.
Sidney Falco:
Do you believe in capital punishment, Senator?
Sen. Harvey Walker:
[
amused] Why?
Sidney Falco:
[
pointing to the phone] A man has just been sentenced to death.
J.J. Hunsecker:
Harvey, I often wish I were dead and wore a hearing aid. With a simple flick of a switch, I could shut out the greedy murmur of little men.
Rita:
[
to Sidney] Don't you get messages, Eyelashes? I called you twice.
Sidney Falco:
Kill me, push me through a window somewhere! I walked into this hallowed ground without knocking!
J.J. Hunsecker:
Sidney, conjugate me a verb. For instance, "to promise."
J.J. Hunsecker:
How do you spell Picasso, the French painter?
[
Taps out three letters on his manual typewriter upon hearing Sidney's response]
J.J. Hunsecker:
It's an item - I hear he goes out with three-eyed girls.
J.J. Hunsecker:
Here's your head; what's your hurry?
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