Baravelli:
[
through speakeasy's door] Who are you?
Professor Wagstaff:
I'm fine, thanks, who are you?
Baravelli:
I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.
Professor Wagstaff:
Well, what is the password?
Baravelli:
Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.
Professor Wagstaff:
Is it Mary?
Baravelli:
Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.
Professor Wagstaff:
She isn't? Well, she drinks like one. Let me see: Is it sturgeon?
Baravelli:
Hey, you crazy. Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.
Professor Wagstaff:
I got it. Haddock.
Baravelli:
That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.
Professor Wagstaff:
What do you take for a haddock?
Baravelli:
Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a Calamel.
Professor Wagstaff:
Say, I'd walk a mile for a Calamel.
Baravelli:
You mean chocolate calamel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what's-a matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say, "Swordfish." Now I'll give you one more guess.
Professor Wagstaff:
...swordfish, swordfish... I think I got it. Is it "swordfish"?
Baravelli:
Hah. That's-a it. You guess it.
Professor Wagstaff:
Pretty good, eh?
Baravelli:
You gotta brother?
Mullen:
No.
Baravelli:
You gotta sister?
Mullen:
Yeah.
Baravelli:
Well-a, you sister, she's a very sick man, you better come with us.
Mullen:
Yeah? What happened to her?
Baravelli:
She hadda accident in her automobile.
McCarthy:
Ah, she has no automobile.
Baravelli:
Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I don't-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.
Mullen:
You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.
Baravelli:
That's all right. We no gotta car. Come on.
[
Wagstaff's looking in a microscope]
Biology Professor:
What do you think of that slide?
Professor Wagstaff:
Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.
Connie:
Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy.
Professor Wagstaff:
Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes.
Professor Wagstaff:
Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.
The Professors:
But, Professor, where will the students sleep?
Professor Wagstaff:
Where they always sleep: in the classroom.
Frank:
Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.
Professor Wagstaff:
My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.
Professor Wagstaff:
Who was that?
Connie:
The ice man.
Professor Wagstaff:
Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice.
Professor Wagstaff:
You know you've got the brain of a four-year old child, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Professor Wagstaff:
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
Professor:
The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you.
Professor Wagstaff:
I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.
[
in canoe]
Professor Wagstaff:
I was gonna get a flat bottom but the girl at the boat house didn't have one.
Professor Wagstaff:
You know, this is the first time I've been out in a canoe since I saw "The American Tragedy."
Biology Professor:
Here is the liver.
Professor Wagstaff:
What, no bacon? I'd send that back if I were you.
Connie:
If icky baby don't learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy.
Professor Wagstaff:
If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man's gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat.
Professor Wagstaff:
I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.
Baravelli:
You sing-a high.
Connie:
Yes, I have a falsetto voice.
Baravelli:
That's-a funny; my last pupil she had-a false set-a teeth.
Jennings:
If this is a singing lesson I'm a ring-tailed monkey!
Professor Wagstaff:
This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it.
Professor Wagstaff:
[
to lecturing anatomy professor] Is this stuff on the level or are you just making it up as you go along?
Professor Wagstaff:
[
singing] I don't know what they have to say / It makes no difference anyway / Whatever it is, I'm against it. / No matter what it is or who commenced it, I'm against it! / Your proposition may be good / But let's have one thing understood: / Whatever it is, I'm against it. / And even when you've changed it or condensed it, I'm against it! / For months before my son was born / I used to yell from night till morn: / Whatever it is, I'm against it! / And I've kept yelling since I've first commenced it, I'm against it.
Retiring President:
Eh, by the way, professor, there is no smoking.
Professor Wagstaff:
That's what you say.
Retiring President:
It would please the faculty if you threw your cigar away.
Professor Wagstaff:
The faculty members might as well keep their seats. There'll be no diving for this cigar.
Baravelli:
There's a man outside with a big black moustache.
Professor Wagstaff:
Tell him I've got one!
Jennings:
I love good music.
Professor Wagstaff:
So do I, let's get out of here.
Jennings:
Sit down!
Professor Wagstaff:
[
to the audience] I've got to stay here, but there's no reason why you folks shouldn't go out into the lobby until this thing to blows over.
Professor Wagstaff:
I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College.
Baravelli:
That means nothing to me.
Professor Wagstaff:
Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it over again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College.
Baravelli:
Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long.
Professor Wagstaff:
In case I never see you again, which would add ten years to my life, what would you fellas want to play football?
Baravelli:
Well, first we want a football.
Professor Wagstaff:
Well, I don't know if we've got a football, but if I can find one, would you be interested? I don't want a hasty answer, just sleep on it.
Baravelli:
I no think I can sleep on a football.
Professor Wagstaff:
You're heading for a breakdown, why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
Professor Wagstaff:
And I say to you gentlemen that this college is a failure. The trouble is we're neglecting football for education.
Professor in Wagstaff's Study, Professor in Wagstaff's Study:
Exactly. The professor is right.
Professor Wagstaff:
Oh, I'm right, am I? Well, I'm not right, I'm wrong. I just said that to test you. Now I know where I'm at- I'm dealing with a couple of snakes. What I meant to say was that there's too much football and not enough education.
Professor in Wagstaff's Study, Professor in Wagstaff's Study:
That's what I think.
Professor Wagstaff:
Oh, you do, do you? Well, you're wrong again! If there was a snake here, I'd apologize.
Professor Wagstaff:
[
the retiring president has just made a speech] Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.
[
receptionist opens door to Wagstaff's office where he is conferring with two professors]
Wagstaff's Receptionist:
Oh, Professor, the Dean of Science wants to know how soon you can see him. He says he's tired of cooling his heels out here.
Professor Wagstaff:
Tell him I'm cooling a couple of heels in here.
[
receptionist leaves and re-enters fifteen seconds later]
Wagstaff's Receptionist:
The Dean is furious! He's waxing wroth!
Professor Wagstaff:
Is Roth out there, too? Tell Roth to wax the Dean for awhile.
[
nudges one professor]
Professor Wagstaff:
Guess that's bad, huh?
Jennings:
What are you doing here?
Baravelli:
Me? I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons.
Jennings:
[
to Connie] Since when are you taking singing lessons?
Baravelli:
Since you came in.
Jennings:
[
to Wagstaff] What are you doing here?
Professor Wagstaff:
I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes.
[
to audience]
Professor Wagstaff:
That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years.
Professor Wagstaff:
Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?
Baravelli:
You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call 'em up on the telephone, then I send 'em my chauffer.
Professor Wagstaff:
Oh, have you got a chauffer? What kind of a car have you got?
Baravelli:
Oh, I no got a car, I just got a chauffer.
Professor Wagstaff:
Well maybe I'm crazy, but when you have a chauffer, aren't you supposed to have a car?
Baravelli:
Well I had one, but-a you see it cost too much money to keep a car and a chauffer so I sold the car.
Professor Wagstaff:
Well that shows you how little I know. I would've kept the car and sold the chauffer.
Baravelli:
That's a-no good. I gotta have a chauffer to take me to work in the morning.
Professor Wagstaff:
Well if you've got no car, how can he take you to work?
Baravelli:
He don't have to take me to work, I no got a job.
Professor Wagstaff:
Baravelli, this is the finish: how much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
Professor Wagstaff:
[
referring to the picture of the pin-up girl] Baravelli, is this your picture?
Baravelli:
I don't think so. It no look-a like me.
Professor Wagstaff:
Young man, you'll find as you get older, you can't burn the candle at both ends.
[
Harpo pulls out a candle burning at both ends]
Professor Wagstaff:
Well, I knew you couldn't burn something at both ends. I thought it was a candle.
Professor Wagstaff:
Why, I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse!
Professor Wagstaff:
Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference.
Jennings:
[
at the College Widow's apartment] Pretty popular place, huh?
Professor Wagstaff:
Yes, a hot dog stand would clean up here.
Professor Wagstaff:
Jumping anaconda!
Frank:
Dad, two of the greatest football players in the country hang out in a speakeasy downtown.
Professor Wagstaff:
Are you suggesting that I, the president of Huxley College, go into a speakeasy without even giving me the address?
Football Coach:
[
sees Wagstaff lying in the middle of the field with a cigar] What are you doing with that cigar in your mouth?
Professor Wagstaff:
Why? Do you know another way to smoke it?
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