Do us all a favor Alfred, and DROP DEAD, April 9 2006

By	Lead Cenobite "You solved the box. Now you mu... (Cape Breton, Canada) - See all my reviews

All four Batman movies have Bruce Wayne (George Clooney) awkwardly trying to explain to some love interest that he's a complicated and odd fellow - he is Batman afterall. In this movie, his girlfriend (Elle MacPherson) says she wants to marry him. Elle doesn't do anything except take up space in this movie, but she makes for some nice eye candy. Anyway, it's especially hilarious when Wayne's saying "There's things you don't know about me..." and so on, because it sounds like he's about to come out of the closet. Batman Returns mentions what became of Vicki Vale, and I like that. Schumacher never bothers to let us know what becomes of Catwoman, or Meridian, or if Wayne accepts Elle's wedding proposal. Characters are simply ignored and forgotten in Schumacher's movies. Batman Forever doesn't acknowledge the existence of Burton's movies. And this movie pretends that the first three movies don't exist (except for the clothes we see in an Arkham storage room).

There's leaden acting from everyone in this movie - except from Schwartzenegger and Thurman. They're actually quite entertaining (most of the time). And of course, the villains overshadow the completely uninteresting title character. Like Jones and Carrey, Schwartzenegger and Thurman give the best performances in this movie. But the villains have no edge - that's a BIG problem.

Wayne is WAY too cheerful. He's also an an environmentalist - so Wayne must be a VERY conflicted tycoon. The flashback sequences he has in both of Schumacher's movies add nothing to the character. Wayne's less bland in this movie than the last one, but that's not saying much. Clooney plays the worst Batman/Bruce Wayne of the series, but I did like the part when Batman smashes into Freeze, then it suddenly cuts to Batman lifting his cape to reveal an unconscious Freeze lying on the ground. Clooney would have been great if he got to play Batman in Batman Forever. But unfortunately Clooney's stuck playing the happy-go-lucky goof in this movie. I doubt Kilmer could've played a good Batman/Bruce Wayne in any Batman movie - not even Batman Begins. But I think that Clooney could have played a terrific Batman in Batman Begins - if he wasn't too old for the part, AND if he took the role seriously.

I hate lots of things in this movie, especially the Batmobile (which has a disco ball in it). Another thing is that Batman & Robin are always equipped with boots that turn into ice skates - and that's BEFORE they ever heard of Mr. Freeze. I guess they prepare for everything - by the way, I'm being sarcastic. And the lamest goons I ever saw are in this movie, armed with hockey sticks. Then they play a rough hockey game with Robin, using a big diamond instead of a puck. And it looks fake whenever someone's airborne, like when Freeze throws people around. And I especially hate when Batman and Robin use improvised surfboards in the air. I guess Schumacher was trying real hard to make the two dorky superheroes look cool. And why did Freeze only shoot his ice gun at Batman's wrists? If he froze Batman's entire body, Batman would have NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER to escape. And later on, Freeze froze Robin's entire body, so Robin will die in eleven minutes unless he's thawed out. Freeze could also kill Batman easily - so why does Freeze say "I'll kill you later" and walk away? And there's statues of musclebound men on every street corner. And not a single thing in this movie is intentionally funny - except for when Ivy makes an amusing joke about a Poison Ivy action figure. And in the comics, Bane was a highly intelligent fellow, who could also snap people like twigs. In this movie he's a mindless drone who does nothing but growl and ball his fists. And this time the Batmobile's not driving up walls. Instead, we see the Batmobile doing something even more absurd - engaging in a high-speed chase along the torso of a huge statue. And there's sound effects when people slip or fall, like the sound gag in a Looney Tunes cartoon when someone slips on a banana peel. And the motorcycle race is lame, as is the "virtual simulation" of Alfred. And every action scene sucks. And Goldenthal's background music sounds like crap. And just like in Batman Forever, Batman changes into a completely ridiculous costume right before the final showdown with the bad guys. Why did he do that anyway? Who is he trying to impress? And the lowest of many low points is when Batman and Robin are driving two vehicles that look like snowmobiles. I guess they have all sorts of gizmos lying around the Batcave that they were all too pleased to try out in wintry conditions. And Bane was defeated WAY too easily. And as for the way Freeze found out Poison Ivy tried to kill his wife, I guess Batman goes around videotaping all of his costumed exploits. I can relate to that - I love watching myself on TV, and staring at my own reflection, and so on. And do Gotham's citizens ever wonder why their city looks COMPLETELY different every few years? And at the end credits, we get to hear the incredibly immoral R. Kelly sing a song called 'Gotham City'. He must be singing about some other city, and not Gotham City the way I always imagined it.

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