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AQUAMARINE A film review by Steve Rhodes
Copyright 2006 Steve Rhodes
RATING (0 TO ****): *
Clearly intended for eleven to twelve year old girls, AQUAMARINE is DOA for all ages, as amply demonstrated by our fidgety audience of just the right demographics. This chicklet flick is something of a mystery in that it manages to hide any possible talent possessed by any of its young actors. Playing less like a movie that a failed sitcom pilot, AQUAMARINE is obviously designed to be SPLASH for the Nickelodeon set. And just in case you missed the point, the key event in the story is the "Last Splash," an annual party to celebrate the ending of summer at some California beach community.
As movie opens, dorky Claire (Emma Roberts) and her only friend Hailey (JoJo) are wishing that they had boobs just like Cecilia (Arielle Kebbel), a generic blonde bitch, and that they could get the attention of Raymond (Jake McDorman), the dreamy hunk of a lifeguard who is in charge of the beach where they go not to swim. But, being thirteen-year-old teenyboppers, their equipment hasn't arrived yet. One night, a storm blows Aquamarine (Sara Paxton), a mermaid who has the type of breasts they dreamed of, into a swimming pool.
In order to get Aqua out of the water and onto the land so the story can more conveniently continue, something is added to the mermaid legend. We are told that mermaids can trade in their flippers for feet during the daylight hours if they so choose, which Aqua does in order to find out if love exists. It does, and its name is Raymond.
Although Claire and Hailey spend most of their time asking Aqua silly things such as, "Can you make boobs come out of hiding," they end up learning -- cue the kettle drums -- important life lessons, including the importance of friendship and the need to be attentive to your parent's dreams too.
"This is so lame," one of Cecilia's posse tells her, "and who cares?" No kidding.
AQUAMARINE runs way too long at 1:50. It is rated PG for "mild language and sensuality" and would be acceptable for kids around 8 and up.
The film opens nationwide in the United States on Friday, March 3, 2006. In the Silicon Valley, it will be showing at the AMC theaters, the Century theaters and the Camera Cinemas.
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