THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (2005)
by Bill Clark
http://www.fromthebalcony.com
bill@fromthebalcony.com
RATING (Ripe or Rotten): ROTTEN
URL: http://www.fromthebalcony.com/ah.htm
I love it when the tagline for a movie doubles as hidden instructions
to the unassuming crowd about to view it. It's almost like a disclaimer
that you only understand after, in this case, eighty-seven minutes of
life draining stupidity that you can't get back without a time machine
and a flux capacitor. Yes, dear friends, 2005's The Amityville Horror
is truly that awful.
Many will recall 1979's film of the same name starring James Brolin and
Margot Kidder. It is an old fashioned, effective horror film that uses
atmosphere, solid visuals, and down-to-earth characters to get the
blood flowing. It is now a cult classic, which means it's ripe for the
picking to be slaughtered by producer Michael Bay, who bludgeoned the
classic of all horror classics, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, with a
horrid remake back in 2003.
This 'Amityville" has the identical setup, which is prefaced by the
eternal slogan "based on true events." In November of 1974 police were
dispatched to the home of the DeFeos, a well-liked, church-going
family. The police made a grisly discovery that night to the tune of
six dead bodies, all killed with a .35 caliber rifle as they slept.
Family member Ronald DeFeo confessed to committing the crime, but told
police that voices inside the house told him to do it.
A year later the house is up for sale and for dirt cheap. This
immediately peaks the interest of George (Reynolds) and Kathy (George)
Lutz. They are an unassuming couple with three kids, Billy (James),
Michael (Bennett), and Chelsea (Moretz). The scariest realtor ever
tells them of the tragedy that occurred in the house just a year
earlier, but the Lutzs press on with their purchase. You can probably
guess what happens from here.
Bay and company do what they do best when they get their hands on a
project: Suck the life out of it and replace it with ADD-style
camerawork, cheap scares, and characters so dumb that you just wish
that Leatherface would make a cameo and finish them all off. There are
also plot holes galore, with a severe lack of development to the film's
backstory. It takes Kathy over an hour into the film to finally get to
the library and figure out why their house is off-the-scale bananas.
While there she discovers other morbid facts about the house that serve
as bait for nightmarish acts that may or may not be real. What's the
point? Why not further delve into the religious undertones throughout
the film? Who was the man walking outside behind George in a key shot?
Ryan Reynolds is crucially miscast here. As a young man of sorts, I
would like to deliver a short memo to studios considering using
Reynolds in anything other than a comedy: Ryan Reynolds will forever be
Van Wilder. Any attempts to get him to act in anything serious will be
met with riotous laughter at inopportune times, as was readily apparent
at tonight's screening of this film. He was partially responsible for
ruining Blade: Trinity, and he strikes again here. The rest of cast is
suitably wasted, and unfortunately includes one of the most dependable
actors around, Philip Baker Hall. I kept waiting for him to save the
film from total oblivion, but it was to no avail.
The screenplay by Scott Kosar is a real Scotch tape job if I've ever
seen one, and that's pretty sad considering he had two key documents to
adapt from. Character development is zilch and the dialogue that is
forced to be spoken is flat out embarassing. As we all know by now,
horror characters are by nature stupid, but this is crazy stupid. After
one or two nights of seeing blood-drenched dead people I'd be adios
amigos. Instead we are forced to endure characters who think it's all
just craziness that will pass over if they just hang in there. Andrew
Douglas' direction has a nice look, but he clearly struggles in trying
to put together a story that is anything other than absurd and
carelessly crafted. We're a mile ahead of the story from minute one.
The Amityville Horror is supposedly a true story, even though the true
life George Lutz has already publicly blasted this film: "I am appalled
at the lack of personal integrity in the name of hype and promotion.
This (film) is supposed to be about my family and the 28 days we lived
in the house, instead it is something formed in the minds of others not
concerned with anything more than box office numbers and self import."
*
Mindless, sloppy, and containing only a few good jolts, this is one of
the most skippable movies so far this year. I must admit, however, that
I do have a small bit of admiration for a film that actually tries to
be worse than Hide and Seek. That should tell you all you need to know.
*IMDB news, 4-12-05
web: http://www.fromthebalcony.com
email: bill@fromthebalcony.com
Copyright 2005 FromTheBalcony
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