The Amazing Mr No Legs (1981) 90m.
Bad Movie fans couldn't ask for much more than this offering, which plays as
a really bad STARSKY AND HUTCH episode starring a double amputee and
directed by none other than the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Chuck
(Richard Jaeckel) and Andy (stunt driver Joie Chitwood) are cops who want to
take down the drug dealers responsible for the death of Andy's sister. They
follow leads, get into shootouts, chase the bad guys, and do all the usual
things that would make this an unremarkable and instantly forgettable action
flick if it were not for one major quirk: the organization's hired muscle is
a legless killer in a wheelchair.
There's no reason for 'No Legs' (as he is elegantly designated) to be an
amputee in this movie other than its sheer gimmick value. Why, after all,
would any crime boss employ such a potential liability to take care his
dirty work? But then having set up this selling point, the story skirts
around it. No Legs, as played by Ted Vollrath, doesn't have as much screen
time as you would expect. His disability is barely acknowledged or
mentioned by the other characters, and when he finally has a showdown with
Chuck and Andy, it's over in moments. Those expecting laughs from the
novelty of the movie's premise might be disappointed but they can take some
satisfaction from Vollrath's one big scene where he takes out four hired
goons at a swimming pool ("Be careful of that wheelchair!" they're warned).
Surprisingly, this fight is not as far-fetched as it sounds – Vollrath did
earn a black belt in karate regardless of his disability and was given the
title of Grand Master. Vollrath, an ex-Marine who lost his legs in combat,
doesn't make his participation in the film seem exploitative – he snarls and
snaps practically every line and doesn't give his character any sympathetic
features. But even without him, the rest of the film has no legs anyway –
it's terribly acted and awkwardly directed. The scene transitions and
character reactions are bad simply for the reason that they're noticeable
when they shouldn't be. The dialogue, in better hands, might have been
excusable for the genre, but here it's just laughable ("Back to thee old
clock and dagger routine," sighs Andy's new girlfriend in her indistinct
accent; "Come on, scum," says an arresting officer with an indifference
that's almost civil). Even without dialogue the film manages to be
hilariously awful – the funniest scene has Andy despondently listening to
the strains of a pop duo appropriately named 'Mercy' while sitting in a bar
that looks like it was decorated by a prom committee.
How Ricou Browning, better known as the guy in the Gill Man suit in the
CREATURE movies, ended up helming such an odd project is baffling. Having
been directed by a stunt man, it would be expected that MR NO LEGS would at
least deliver on the action sequences, but even here the movie is lacking –
the fight sequences look too obviously choreographed. After more than an
hour of plot, the movie shifts into what Ricou apparently believes is the
highlight – a thirteen-minute car chase scene, justified by a ten-second
conversation that takes place earlier in the film to establish one of the
characters as a race driver. The chase, which is realistic enough with the
exception of conveniently-placed obstacles such as piles of cardboard boxes,
a house, and a wall of ice, is interrupted constantly by radio dispatches
which might add to its authenticity but distract from the momentum and urge
our sentiments of "Come on, crash, already!" MR NO LEGS ends as
conventionally as it begins, leaving us with nothing special other than a
token title character. And even he wouldn't seem too out of place if the
film was accepted as a mix of genres, that of the Cop Film and Disabled
Martial Arts. What's probably more unusual than this whole undertaking is
that there is such a sub-genre as Disabled Martial Arts movies in the first
place.
sburridge@hotmail.com
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